Love First Love: The New Way to Live / Ephesians 4:17-32

Introduction: Where We’ve Been and Where We’re Going

If you have your Bibles, let’s get right to work in Ephesians chapter four. Just by way of a quick, high-level overview for those of you who might be joining us new: we typically pick a book of the Bible and crank through it. We are in chapter four, picking up in verse 17.

This letter was written by the apostle Paul. We know from our Bibles that he came from a very strict Jewish family. He was educated in the highest schools, mentored by the best minds of his day, and was top of his class. He was intensely bothered by the notion that Jesus was the Messiah. What he saw in the Hebrew Scriptures was a coming Messiah, but Jesus did not fit his paradigm. Paul was so passionately opposed to Jesus that he began to persecute Christians. In fact, in Acts chapter seven, the first Christian martyr was sent to his death under Paul’s watch.

Acts 7:58-60 (NASB)

When they had driven him out of the city, they [began] stoning [him]; and the witnesses laid aside their robes at the feet of a young man named Saul. They went on stoning Stephen as he called on [the Lord] and said, ‘Lord Jesus, receive my spirit!’ Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lord, do not hold this sin against them!’ Having said this, he fell asleep.

Then, in Acts chapter nine, Paul came to faith in Christ. Suddenly, his entire world was blown wide open as he realized Jesus actually fulfilled everything his Bible had spoken of for all those years. He took his Bible, went into the deserts of Arabia for three years to have a personal Bible study between himself and the Lord, and began to put the pieces together. He returned from that desert experience and began touring the known world on missionary journeys, proclaiming the gospel. Along the way, he planted and ministered to a church in Ephesus—in modern-day Turkey—and eventually wrote them this letter.

Acts 9:1-6 (NASB)

Now Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest, and asked for letters from him to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, both men and women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. As he was traveling, it happened that he was approaching Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him; and he fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?’ And he said, ‘Who are You, Lord?’ And He [said], ‘I am Jesus whom you are persecuting, but get up and enter the city, and it will be told you what you must do.’

Ephesians breaks down into two primary parts: chapters one through three, and chapters four through six. Chapters one through three describe what God has already done in you. He has already blessed you with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. If you have placed your faith in Him, while you were dead in your transgressions, He made you alive. It is all about the work God has accomplished inside of you. Chapters four through six transition to what God wants to do through you.

Now, I want to make an important distinction. It is easy to conclude, “Well, God did something in me in chapters one through three, so now it is up to me to do something for Him in chapters four through six.” We treat it as if God was involved in the first half of the book, but absent from the second half. That is not the case at all. From beginning to end, God is faithful to continue His work in you. Whether it is in you or through you, the spiritual life is still powered entirely by Him. He is the One who brought you to faith, and He is the One working in you to make you look and live more like Jesus.

Earlier in chapter four, Paul showed us that the church is an incredibly diverse group of people brought together in unity under the headship of Jesus. When you look at the church, it is essentially the Island of Misfit Toys—all of us coming together under Christ. Think about how different we are: we look different, we talk different, some of you went to the rodeo today, and we come from wildly different backgrounds. Yet we have one defining reality in common: Jesus. That is what unites us.

We also saw that unity does not mean uniformity. One of the things that grieves me is when people come to faith in Christ and immediately start faking who they are. They spend all their energy trying to look and sound like a stereotypical “Christian” instead of being the unique person God designed them to be. Even in the unity of the body, God uses our individual uniqueness to build up and equip one another.

Christianity is not a solo sport. It is not just about you growing individually; it is about us growing collectively to be more like Christ. As PJ taught a couple of weeks ago, you do not mature in Christ simply by sitting on the sidelines, joining another Bible study, taking in more data, or binging another podcast. All of that content is good, but you mature in “need-to-know, need-to-grow” moments. As PJ put it, you learn how to swim when you are actually thrown into the pool, not by sitting on the deck studying the molecular concepts of water. If you are spiritually stagnant, it is likely because you are not serving. Find a place that fits who God made you to be and give your life away—that is where you will grow.

Walking Like the World: The Symptoms of a Hard Heart

That brings us to verse 17, where Paul delivers an urgent caution rooted in divine authority.

Ephesians 4:17-18 (NASB)

So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart;

Paul warns us to no longer walk as the “Gentiles” walk. While “Gentile” technically refers to non-Jewish people, in this context it carries a deeper spiritual meaning: someone who does not know God. The issue plaguing the church in Ephesus was that people who claimed to be followers of God were living lifestyles indistinguishable from the pagan world around them. Today, we call that hypocrisy.

I hear people say all the time, “Man, I love Jesus, but Christians drive me nuts.” Well, they drive me nuts too! And if you are worried about hypocrisy in the church, don’t worry—we always have room for one more. Come on in. Hypocrisy is not a new problem; God’s people have wrestled with it for centuries. Paul is addressing that exact tension: claiming to belong to God while living just like the world.

Paul outlines three primary characteristics of a life lived apart from God. First, he says they walk in the “futility of their mind.” That means an unbeliever might possess great intellect, master complex concepts, and be brilliant in human terms, but the things they obsess over carry zero eternal, spiritual value. Their thinking is consumed by what is ultimately worthless. Think of the philosophy professor who learns you are a Christian and condescendingly pats you on the head, saying, “Oh, isn’t that cute?” That is an example of a mind running in futility.

Second, Paul says they are “darkened in their understanding.” This refers to a skewed moral compass. When someone’s understanding is darkened, right seems wrong and wrong seems right. Without the revealed Word of God anchoring their reality, their moral framework becomes completely distorted. It is what I call the intolerance of the “tolerant.” Have you noticed that the self-proclaimed tolerant are remarkably tolerant only until you disagree with them? When the moral compass is broken, clear biblical truths become blurred into gray areas, and people end up fiercely defending things God explicitly opposes.

Third, Paul says they are “excluded from the life of God.” They are separated from Him. In Romans chapter eight, Paul tells us that those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Romans 8:8 (NASB)

and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Relationship with God does not come through external religious performance; it comes solely through the person and work of Jesus Christ. A person excluded from the life of God might engage in religious activity, but they have no actual relationship with Him.

I was reading through the prophet Hosea this morning as part of our church’s Bible-in-a-year reading plan. If you don’t know the book, God commands Hosea to marry an unfaithful woman so Hosea can experience and record the heartbreak God feels when His people chase after idols. In Hosea 6:6, God says, “I desire loyalty rather than sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” God is saying, “I don’t want your empty rituals or religious motions. I want your heart. I want your mind. I want you.” A person separated from the life of God attempts to earn favor through empty religion while their heart remains far away.

Hosea 6:6 (NASB)

For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, And in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

Paul points out that this spiritual condition is driven by two internal root causes: ignorance and hardness of heart. When Paul speaks of ignorance here, he does not mean a mere lack of data. It refers to receiving the truth, processing it, and willfully choosing to reject it. It is a closed mind. Combined with a hard, unrepentant heart, it leads people to reject God cognitively and emotionally, leaving them to navigate life on their own terms.

The Spiral of Sensuality and Impurity

Look at what happens next in verse 19.

Ephesians 4:19 (NASB)

and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.

Paul says they have become “callous.” When you lift weights or do heavy yard work, your hands build calluses—they become desensitized. But the original Greek term goes further: it means to become completely numb. Spiritually and morally, the person who rejects God loses their sensitivity. There is no conviction, no healthy shame, no inner alarm warning them that something is wrong.

Because of that numbness, they give themselves over to “sensuality.” This word implies an unchecked surrender, throwing off all restraint and diving in with no brakes. Sensuality is inherently sexual in nature. We see the same term in Galatians chapter five, listed among the deeds of the flesh.

Galatians 5:19 (NASB)

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,

When a person rejects God in their mind and heart, God ultimately gives them over to pursue what they think they want. Paul describes this exact spiral in Romans chapter one: when humanity exchanges the truth of God for a lie, God gives them over to degrading passions and depraved minds.

Romans 1:24-26 (NASB)

Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural,

Paul adds that they pursue “the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.” When I read that phrase, I immediately think of my old days in the Sigma Chi fraternity house. That was our lifestyle. Notice Paul does not just name one specific sin; he says every kind of impurity, pursued with greediness. The tragedy of sin is that it is never satisfied. It never fills you up, it never hits a point of contentment, and it never says, “That’s enough for today.” Sin is like a semi-truck flying down the Grapevine mountain pass with no brakes—it just keeps accelerating until catastrophe hits.

It would be easy to look at ancient Ephesus and think, “Man, those people were a mess.” But verse 19 is an exact description of modern culture. We live in a society that is thoroughly obsessed with and celebratory of sexual indulgence.

Your sexuality reveals more about your functional theology than almost anything else. Did you know that there is a passage in your Bible that explicitly spells out the will of God for you in this area? First Thessalonians chapter four says, “This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NASB)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; [that is], that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

If we claim to love God, but our sexuality is unchecked, we are living out Ephesians 4:19. One of the clearest indicators that you belong to Jesus is learning to say no to the flesh, disciplining your body, and yielding to the Lord in obedience.

Our current culture does not just practice sexual brokenness; it exalts it. Think about what it takes to become a celebrity today. You don’t have to be able to sing, dance, or act. Just film yourself doing something compromising, post a provocative photo online, and you can land a reality television show. The world has normalized this. But the real issue is not just that the world is broken; the heartbreaking question is: what is wrong with us? Why is there so little distinction between the culture and the church?

The Contrast: You Did Not Learn Christ This Way

Paul addresses this head-on in verse 20.

Ephesians 4:20-21 (NASB)

But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus,

Paul says, “You did not learn Christ in this way!” There ought to be a clear, distinct difference between the people of God and the surrounding culture. Too often, in our desire to reach the world, we cozy up to the world, try to look like the world, and end up swallowed by the world. Paul says that because you belong to Jesus and have been taught His truth, your lifestyle must look radically different.

This transformation requires three deliberate steps, outlined in verses 22 through 24.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (NASB)

that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in [the likeness of] God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

First, in reference to your former manner of life, you must lay aside the old self. Paul uses a clothing metaphor here: take off the stained, foul, unregenerate garments of your old nature and cast them aside. Don’t fold them up and tuck them into your back pocket to play with later—throw them away.

Have you ever worked out intensely or gone a few days without a shower and suddenly caught a whiff of yourself? When you smell your own funk, you realize, “Man, I need to get clean.” That is how we should view our old, sinful way of living. We need to catch a spiritual whiff of our former lifestyle and realize how toxic it truly is. Some people tell me, “I just want to completely forget my past.” Honestly, I hope the memory of your old life makes you shudder so deeply that you are terrified of ever going back. Once you realize how bad it smelled, why would you ever put those dirty clothes back on?

Paul reminds us that the old self is “being corrupted.” It is in an ongoing, progressive state of moral decay. Our world is not gradually evolving morally into the kingdom of God; left to itself, it spirals further into darkness.

I was thinking about how cultural standards have shifted over the decades. Think about the controversy surrounding Elvis Presley forty or fifty years ago. I pulled up old footage of Elvis on YouTube. He would walk out, give a little sneer, shake his hips, and women in the audience would literally faint. Back then, society panicked, thinking society was crumbling over a hip shake! Looking at modern music videos today, what was once considered scandalous seems innocent compared to the explicit content everywhere now. We are immersed in a culture that continually drifts toward corruption. If we are not careful, we will adopt that drift without even noticing.

Second, Paul says we must be renewed in the spirit of our minds. Our default patterns of thinking are broken. We don’t just need a minor software patch; we need a complete system reboot. As Paul writes in Romans 12:2, we must not let ourselves be squeezed into the mold of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

Romans 12:2 (NASB)

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Third, we must put on the new self. Day by day, decision by decision, and thought by thought, we choose to put on the character of Jesus. We recognize that the old dirtbag identity is dead and buried, and we intentionally walk in the righteousness and holiness of God.

Real-World Examples: Putting on the New Self

Starting in verse 25, Paul moves from abstract concepts to practical daily living. He provides a series of concrete examples, following a consistent pattern: a negative command, a positive replacement, and the underlying theological reason.

Ephesians 4:25 (NASB)

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE [of you] WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another.

First: Stop lying, and speak truth. Why? Because we are members of one body. When you lie to a brother or sister in Christ, you are poisoning the very community you belong to.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (NASB)

BE ANGRY, AND [yet] DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Second: Be angry, but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Keep short accounts and pursue reconciliation quickly. Why? So you do not give the devil a foothold in your life.

Can I make a quick observation about anger? Christians love to justify their outbursts by claiming “righteous anger.” People say, “Well, Jesus got angry and cleared the temple!” Sure, but He was the sinless, incarnate God. When you hit your thumb with a hammer or get cut off at a four-way stop, what spills out of your mouth usually isn’t holy worship. As James reminds us, human anger does not produce the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20 (NASB)

[This] you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak [and] slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Paul gives a permissive command: you can experience anger, but do not allow it to lead you into sin. When you lose control in your anger, you sabotage your own credibility. Early in my ministry, I had a situation where a young man had grievously mistreated a young woman. In my office, instead of owning his sin, he began blaming everyone else. I felt my temper rising. I started shaking, got in his face, and completely blew up at him, cussing him out. Did he deserve a severe rebuke? Yes. But my sinful outburst ruined the moment. For the next year, the issue was no longer his immorality—it was my lack of self-control. When you sin in your anger, the focus shifts from the real problem to your failure.

Ephesians 4:28 (NASB)

He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have [something] to share with one who has need.

Third: Stop stealing, and work hard. Labor honestly with your hands. Why? Not just to accumulate wealth, but so that you have something generous to share with those in need.

Ephesians 4:29 (NASB)

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such [a word] as is good for edification according to the need [of the moment], so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Fourth: Stop using destructive speech, and speak words that build up. Why? So that your words give grace to everyone who hears them.

Ephesians 4:30 (NASB)

Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Fifth: Do not grieve the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God lives inside you and has sealed you until the day of redemption. When we tear each other down, we grieve the very Spirit who unites us.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Finally, Paul lays out a direct contrast: Put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. Instead, be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. Why? Because God in Christ has already forgiven you.

Dropping the Pink Blankie

Why did Paul write this passage? Because anyone claiming to follow Jesus must live distinctly from the surrounding culture. We cannot live in sensuality, feed sexual impurity, or dabble in pornography while claiming to belong to Christ. We have not learned Christ that way. We are called to lay down the old life, be renewed in our minds, and put on the new self.

I know this is a daily battle. My youngest daughter, Kendall, has a favorite pink blanket. When she was little, she could not fall asleep without it. If we left the house and realized we forgot that blanket, I would drive through anything to go get it, because bedtime without it was chaos. That blanket brought her security, even though it had no real power. It is cute for a toddler to cling to a blanket; she will eventually outgrow it.

When I was in college, however, I had a roommate who still kept a childhood security blanket. That was not cute—that was just strange. You look at a grown man clutching a baby blanket and think, “What are you doing? You are far too old for this. Let it go.”

Yet many of us do the exact same thing spiritually. We come to faith in Christ, receive His grace, and yet continue clutching our old sins like a worn-out security blanket. We hide it, cling to it, and convince ourselves we need it. But holding onto the old life looks spiritually absurd. You don’t need that sin anymore. In Christ, you have outgrown it.

Ask the Lord to search your heart today. Ask Him: What am I still clinging to that I need to lay aside? If the Holy Spirit brings something to mind, gather some trusted believers around you and bury it. Throw a funeral for that old habit. Lay it down, allow your mind to be renewed by God’s truth, and put on the new life Christ has purchased for you.

With my daughter, I could forcefully rip the blanket from her hands, but that would only wound her. Instead, every night I gently remind her, “Sweetheart, you don’t need this blanket anymore.” Eventually, she will realize it on her own and let it go. In the same way, the Holy Spirit speaks with gentle conviction: “You don’t need that sin anymore.” When you are ready to let it go, surrender it. We will celebrate with you as you leave the old behind and step fully into the new.

Closing Prayer

Father in heaven, we pray for the grace to walk in true obedience to You. As You reveal the areas of compromise in our hearts, give us the courage to lay them down and bury them once and for all. Renew our thinking, and help us put on the new self moment by moment, thought by thought, and decision by decision. Thank You for the freedom we have in Christ Jesus, who makes all things new. Remind us that we do not walk this road alone—You are with us at every step. When You speak, give us ears to hear and hearts ready to respond. Continue the good work You started in us, and let Your power flow through us to reach a broken world. We pray all of this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.