Love First Love: Be Subject / Ephesians 5:22-6:9

Amen. If you have your Bibles, turn with me to Ephesians chapter five. We are continuing on through our series. If you’ve been with us, we’ve been cranking away, and it has been exceedingly convicting. I don’t know how it’s been for you, but try teaching this stuff every week! It is right in my face too, and I don’t think this week is any exception.

Looking Past the Surface: The Focal Point

To set this up, let me share an observation with you. I definitely am not an art history guy. I wouldn’t claim that or disrespect those of you who are actual art experts by saying I’m an art guy. But I do dabble a little bit, and I’m fascinated specifically with painters who were commissioned or charged to paint the Word of God. When illiteracy was high and very few people spoke Latin—which was the language the text was communicated in—painters were often commissioned to paint the Word.

One of the paintings that grips me more than almost any other is Rembrandt’s painting of the Prodigal Son. Some of you know the passage, but if not, the story basically goes like this: The younger son says to his dad, “Hey, I want my inheritance. I know you’re not dead yet, but hook me up anyway.” He takes it to Chukchansi, lets it ride, and things go poorly for him. He ends up feeding pigs, and he remembers, “Even the servants in my father’s house have more than I do. Maybe I should go home.”

So he prepares the “I’m late for curfew and I know I’m busted” speech. All the way home from Chukchansi, he’s rehearsing the tapes of what he’s going to say to his dad because he literally just squandered his father’s inheritance. He comes expecting his dad to take him to the woodshed and light him up a little bit. Sure enough, his dad is waiting for him, looking for him—but not to bust him. In fact, it’s quite different. As the son approaches and begins his speech, the dad interrupts him, and you have this incredible picture of restoration.

What fascinated me about Rembrandt’s painting of the prodigal son initially was the face of the father. It is a face not of scorn, anger, or bitterness, but of incredible grace. It’s a face of concern, and in many ways, delight that the son who was lost is now found. I found myself fixated upon this face, especially as a father. I thought, Man, I understand more deeply the care that a father would have for his son. Here the father is, showing that kind of grace.

As I looked at the painting, my view expanded and I saw the hands. The hands of the father fascinated me because they are pictured in Rembrandt’s classic style: one hand is larger and more masculine, showing the strong leadership side of God, while the other is more feminine and slender, showing the caring, nurturing side of God. Rembrandt is showing you that this father is representative of God Himself and how He cares for us. I was deeply moved by that.

Then, the more I looked, my perspective widened again, and I saw the younger son. This boy represents how many of us have felt when coming back to the Father broken and wrecked. He is completely disheveled—hair shaved, face dirty, shoes falling off his feet, clothes torn and tattered as if life had been brutally hard on him. However long he had been gone, being away from the Lord is like dog years; it felt like a thousand years to this boy. He finally comes home to the father, and he fascinated me because I am that boy.

Yet the more I looked at the painting, the more I realized that the true focal point isn’t the father’s face. It isn’t the hands, and it isn’t even the younger boy. The focal point is the tall figure lurking in the darkness in the background. It is the tall figure dressed in fine clothes just like the father. It’s the older brother. His face doesn’t show the grace of the father; his face shows the cold disgust of the self-righteous. He sees grace as frivolous and flippant. He feels he has earned the father’s favor, and he cannot believe the father would show forgiveness to a son who squandered his estate. The true focal point, the more you look at it, is the unforgiveness of the older son.

With a painting like that, as your focal point expands, you take in more and more, and the meaning gets richer and richer. In many ways, Ephesians chapter five is the exact same way.

The Source of Submission: Being Filled with the Spirit

If I say, “Turn to Ephesians chapter five and look at verse 22, where it says, ‘Wives, be subject to your husbands,’” all the married men say, “Amen! That’s right! Wives, subject yourselves to your men!” And all the single dudes say, “One day, I’m gonna get me one of those wives who subjects herself to me!”

I say: Time out. Keep looking. If you keep looking, you’re going to find a far more profound picture than just verse 22.

Is verse 22 true? Yes, it is, and we will get into it. But you cannot understand verse 22 without understanding verse 21. If you look at verse 22 in the original language, the word “subject” or “submit” is not actually there. It picks up the verb from verse 21. Literally, verse 22 reads: “Wives, to your own husbands.”

Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)

Wives, [be subject] to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

So you have to go up to verse 21. Verse 21 tells us that we should be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 (NASB)

and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Being subject to one another was the fifth of five results that flow out of verse 18. Do you remember what we studied last week? Paul told us not to be drunk with wine or under the influence of alcohol—that is dissipation and a worthless pursuit. Instead, he commanded: be filled with the Spirit of God.

Ephesians 5:18 (NASB)

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit,

If you are filled with the Spirit of God, it affects the way you speak, the way you sing, the way you make melody in your heart, how you always give thanks for all things in verse 20, and how in verse 21 you are subject to one another in reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:20 (NASB)

always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;

To understand verse 22 and following, we have to go to verse 21. And to understand verse 21, we have to go all the way up to the imperative command of verse 18: what it means to live under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

To unpack this, we need to answer three questions: First, what does being subject to one another really mean? Second, what is the qualifier “out of reverence for Christ”? And third, how does this mutual submission affect three common household relationships: husbands and wives, parents and children, and masters and slaves?

Let’s start with verse 21. He says to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Being subject does not mean to blindly obey, nor does it infer any superiority or inferiority. In the Greek, it is a present passive participle. It is something happening inside you because of the Holy Spirit. When you are filled with the Spirit of God from verse 18, the Spirit produces the capacity within you to submit to one another.

To be subject literally means a willingness to place oneself under another, and verse 21 assumes reciprocity. This isn’t just women submitting to men; this is men submitting to women. This is all of us submitting to one another in mutual, reciprocal submission.

What does this look like practically? When you are filled with the Spirit of God, the natural result is that you take initiative in the lives of others to help them become all that God created them to be.

And why do you do it? Because they earned it? No. Verse 21 says you do it in reverence for Christ. This is not terror; it is awe, respect, and worship. Because of what Jesus did for us, we willingly subject ourselves to other people, lifting them up and taking initiative in their lives so they can flourish.

Marriage: Mutual Submission in Practice

With that understanding of verse 21, Paul turns to the home, starting in verse 22: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Paul appeals to wives as co-equals, co-heirs in redemption, equal in standing before God, calling them to willingly place themselves under their husbands’ authority based on the unique role given to the husband. This is not about superiority or inferiority. In Hebrews 13:17, we are told to submit to our elders, not because they are better human beings, but because they have a specific role. In 1 Peter 5, younger men are told to submit to church leaders for the same reason.

When a woman enters marriage, she willingly places herself under the authority of her husband because God has given him a unique responsibility to lead and give an account. Notice Paul says, “to your own husbands.” This posture of submission is not to all men everywhere; it is specifically to your own husband. It does not apply when you are merely dating or engaged; it happens in marriage.

A lot of young guys love this concept because they think it means they get to be the boss. Nothing could be further from the truth! Ladies, if you’re dating a guy and he starts dropping “headship and submission” demands on you, give him the peace sign and walk away. He is not ready. A man who truly understands his role will steward you well.

Next to your father, no man will carry greater responsibility or give a stricter account for how he has treated you than your husband. That’s why Genesis says a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife; a woman transitions from the spiritual protection of her father to that of her husband.

Notice verse 22 adds that you do this “as to the Lord.” You don’t take initiative in his life because he deserves it or has earned it. This is not a tit-for-tat scorecard: “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours; you do the dishes, I’ll submit.” No, you do it as an act of worship and service to Jesus.

Ephesians 5:23 (NASB)

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself [being] the Savior of the body.

Verse 23 tells us the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. How did Christ operate as head of the church? Did He act like an authoritarian barking orders from a throne, expecting everyone to do His bidding? Not at all.

Philippians 2 paints the picture of Jesus’ leadership.

Philippians 2:3 (NASB)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Paul writes, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is verse 21 in action! In a healthy marriage, the husband takes initiative and says, “Sweetheart, what you want is what I want.” And she responds, “No, what you want is what I want.” It becomes a beautiful, healthy competition of give-and-give.

Paul continues in Philippians 2, saying we must have the attitude of Christ, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, and humbled Himself to the point of death on a cross.

Philippians 2:5-8 (NASB)

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, [and] being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Jesus said that whoever wants to be great must be the servant of all, because the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. How does a Christian man exercise headship? By serving, by refusing to cling to his own rights and preferences, by humbling himself, and by lifting up his wife. That is true biblical headship.

Ephesians 5:24 (NASB)

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives [ought to be] to their husbands in everything.

Verse 24 says, “As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” It doesn’t say “only in the things you are comfortable with.” It means every area of life is placed under this partnership of authority.

This is why single women must marry well! If you marry a fool who doesn’t understand headship and refuses to walk under the influence of the Holy Spirit, he will never submit himself to anyone, especially you. He will be a taker, demanding that you bow to his selfish hobbies and priorities. That is not a Christian marriage. Find a man who is surrendered to the Spirit of God and practices mutual submission; he will lift you up and help you soar.

Ephesians 5:25 (NASB)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

In verse 25, the command turns to the men: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

This is a command rooted in high honor and sincere appreciation. It does not command you to dominate, lay down arbitrary rules, or force her to watch action movies with you. It commands you to love her.

Why does God command men specifically to love? Most men are cognitive—we live in our heads with logic and data. Women often have a much higher relational and emotive capacity. Verse 25 is challenging us as men to do what is unnatural: we have to learn how to speak our wife’s language. Left to ourselves, guys can be like Vulcans—we don’t naturally feel what she feels. In a conflict, we run things through our mental algorithm and wonder why she’s crying. God is calling us to learn how to throw left-handed, to stretch outside our comfort zone and love our wives deeply.

How do we love? “Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Every guy who watches brave, macho movies says, “That’s right! I’d take a bullet for my wife!” Brother, get in line. Almost any man would die for his wife in a single, dramatic moment. That’s the easy part.

You know what’s hard? Waking up on a Monday and dying to yourself. Waking up on Tuesday and dying to yourself. Grinding through Wednesday, bearing through Thursday, and continually dying to your selfish desires day after day. Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t just a one-time historical event; it was a daily lifestyle of self-giving love. That is how we must love our wives.

Ephesians 5:26-27 (NASB)

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

In verses 26 and 27, Paul explains how Christ cleansed the church by the washing of water with the word, presenting her in splendor without spot or wrinkle. Then in verse 28, he brings it down to everyday life: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”

Ephesians 5:28-29 (NASB)

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also [does] the church,

Men understand physical needs. When your stomach rumbles, what do you do? You eat. When you’re thirsty, you get a drink. When you’re exhausted, you take a nap. We recognize our own physical urges and immediately meet them. Paul is saying: learn to read your wife’s needs with that exact same attentiveness, and meet them.

Peter makes the same point in his first epistle.

1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)

You husbands in the same way, live with [your wives] in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Peter writes, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” Living with her in an understanding way means living with her according to knowledge. Figure out who your wife is! What does she enjoy? Where would she love to vacation? What brings her joy? What would she have pursued if she hadn’t married you? Learn who God made her to be.

When Peter calls her a “weaker vessel,” it carries the idea of something precious and fragile, like fine china. When my wife and I got married, we were in college ministry. We had 400 college students at our wedding, which meant we received a ton of Target picture frames and candles! We didn’t get any fine china, and we didn’t care. But I’ve learned that for some families, fine china is a serious deal. It’s an heirloom. You have “daily wear” dishes that you can beat up and throw in the dishwasher, but if you even look at the fine china near a dishwasher, someone will tackle you! You wash it carefully by hand, and you display it in a special cabinet with custom lighting. When guests walk in, they say, “Wow, look at that.”

Peter is saying: treat your wife like fine china. Love and cherish her so attentively that when people enter your home, they look at how you treat her and say, “Wow, the way he honors that woman is incredible.”

Right now in our home, you could see this in full effect. My wife is an artist. She started what she calls a business—though a business implies profit, so right now it’s a very expensive hobby! She’s preparing for an art market, and there are probably 40 paintings spread across my living room floor. She has a studio, but she prefers painting in the living room. I am a Type-A guy who likes an orderly house, and walking in to find paint splatters and canvases everywhere stretches me. But the Holy Spirit reminds me: Live with your wife in an understanding way. This is who God made her to be. Honor her, encourage her, and let her flourish.

Peter warns that if we fail to honor our wives as fellow heirs of the grace of life, our prayers will be hindered. As the saying goes: if mama ain’t happy, God ain’t happy! If you want an effective prayer life, men, honor your wives.

To the single guys: if this sounds like upper-division coursework, stay in General Ed for a while! There is no shame in getting your foundational walk with Christ solid before trying to steward a wife. And single ladies, if your entire world still revolves around you, stay in Gen Ed too. A healthy marriage requires two people who are willing to die to themselves and elevate the other.

Paul concludes this section by quoting Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:31 (NASB)

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

He calls this a great mystery that points directly to Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:32 (NASB)

This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Then he summarizes: “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must [see to it] that she respects her husband.

Parenting: Raising Children in the Lord

The second household relationship transformed by the Spirit is parenting, found in Ephesians 6:1-4.

Ephesians 6:1 (NASB)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” The word “obey” implies listening attentively and responding. Children are called to support their parents and help them succeed. Kids, you didn’t come with an instruction manual! Your parents are doing the best they can. If you are living under their roof, obey them. If they give you a curfew, honor it. If they ask you to check in, don’t be rude—check in. If they ask you to change an outfit, don’t throw a fit. My dad used to tell me, “If you don’t like the rules of this house, go get your own house.” Since I couldn’t afford my own house, his rules stood!

Ephesians 6:2-3 (NASB)

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

Paul reminds children to honor their father and mother, noting it is the first commandment with a promise. While Exodus 20 contains earlier promises, Paul means this is the commandment of primary, foundational importance for children.

Then he turns to parents in verse 4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4 (NASB)

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

To provoke to anger means to exasperate, irritate, or crush their spirits through petty rules, unrealistic expectations, or trying to force them into a mold they weren’t created for. Parents, if your kid is built like a Hobbit, don’t try to force him to be LeBron James! If your child loves baseball and hates music, don’t force a clarinet into his hands.

We live in an era where parents constantly try to live vicariously through their kids, reliving their own glory days. We have fifth graders with private strength coaches, personal trainers, and high-pressure expectations. Let your fifth grader be a kid! Let them relax, watch cartoons, and eat snacks. Pushing adult pressures onto little children only exasperates them.

Proverbs 22:6 tells us to train up a child in the way he should go—according to his unique, God-given design.

Proverbs 22:6 (NASB)

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

If you have multiple children, you know that the same parents, same home, and same rules produce completely different kids. I have two daughters who could not be more opposite. My oldest carefully coordinates her fedora, belt, and shoes. My youngest will wear mismatched stripes, wild leggings, and a tutu without a care in the world! If I told my youngest, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” I would crush her spirit and communicate that she only has value when she conforms to someone else. Instead, my role as a father is to discover who God made each of them to be and take initiative to help them thrive.

The Workplace: Serving as Unto Christ

The third household relationship Paul addresses is masters and slaves in Ephesians 6:5-9.

Ephesians 6:5-7 (NASB)

Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men,

We must be careful not to read our modern historical understanding of racial, chattel slavery directly into the first-century Roman world. In Rome, over 60 million people—roughly one-third of the empire—were in indentured service. Slaves included doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers, and skilled artisans. If someone had wealth, they employed personal physicians and accountants who lived within the household. It crossed all cultural and social lines.

While we do not have institutional slavery today, thank God, these principles apply directly to our workplace and employment relationships.

In verses 5 through 7, Paul gives instructions for how Christian servants—or modern employees—should work. We are to work with respect, sincerity of heart, and integrity, not just with “eye-service” when the boss is looking, but with a wholehearted attitude doing the will of God from the heart.

Why? Because at the end of the day, you don’t ultimately work for your company; you work for Jesus Christ! Your paycheck may have an employer’s name on it, but your true Master is the Lord. If you’re asked to sweep the floor, sweep it better than anyone in the history of the business. If your shift starts at 8:00, arrive early. If your shift ends at 4:00, finish well and help your team. When you excel in your work with a joyful attitude, you make a powerful statement about the Jesus you serve.

Ephesians 6:9 (NASB)

And masters, do the same things to them, and give up threatening, knowing that both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him.

Then, in verse 9, Paul speaks to masters: “Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.”

Christian employers and managers must never lead through intimidation, harshness, or arrogance. You are equals before God. A Christian leader uses their authority to serve their employees and help them succeed. When employers take initiative to help their workers thrive, and workers take initiative to help their employers succeed, mutual submission is lived out in the workplace, putting the gospel on display.

Dying to Self Daily

Why did Paul give us this text? Because just like the believers in Ephesus, we all battle selfishness. We fight for our own rights, our own comfort, and our own way—in our marriages, in our parenting, and at our jobs.

If we are going to live as the authentic people of God, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit. He must control our lives. As Paul wrote elsewhere, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”

When Christ lives in us, it naturally produces verse 21: we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. We count others as more significant than ourselves, and that posture transforms our homes, our families, and our workplaces.

To live this way, we have to die to self every single day. We cannot let the flesh win. Instead of grasping for power, control, or prestige, our identity must rest securely in Jesus. We don’t need to protect our reputation, prove how smart we are, or constantly try to one-up everyone else’s stories. We can simply celebrate others, build them up, and serve them with joy.

Imagine what our lives, our marriages, and our church would look like if we embraced this kind of Spirit-filled humility—becoming nothing so that Christ might be everything in the lives of those around us.

Let’s pray.

Father in heaven, we thank You for who You are and for the work You do in our lives. Lord, this is a standard we cannot meet in our own strength. We need Your Holy Spirit to do in us and through us what we could never do on our own. Left to ourselves, we are selfish, proud, and self-centered. We ask that You fill us, change our hearts, and teach us to die to self daily. May our marriages, our parenting, and our work bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ. We pray this in His precious name. Amen.