Biblical Divorce
Well, welcome to you. If you are a guest with us, my name is Brad, and I get the privilege of hanging out with you here this week. We are in a series in Matthew, so if you brought a Bible, go ahead and open to Matthew 19. We’ll start in verse 1. If you don’t have a Bible, you can Google it, or at both campuses—here and at Fig—we have little welcome centers out in the lobby. We’ve got some Bibles that we’re happy to give you if you have supervision, because the print is really small and I’m too old to read it now.
That being said, if you’ve been with us for the last several weeks, it has been a very difficult couple of weeks in the Bible. When you teach through a book of the Bible, sometimes it’s awesome. Like, “Yay, God loves us!” And next week, “Hey, God still loves us!” And next week, “Yay, God still loves us!” The last couple of weeks, though, have been hard.
Two weeks ago, we talked about care and correction—the idea in Matthew 18 that the highest expression of love for one another is to care enough to speak into each other’s lives and help us see the blind spots that we all have. Sometimes those conversations go well, and sometimes they don’t. But that is the highest expression of love: to go to your brother or sister and talk with them about something in their life that’s not in keeping with the Word of God.
Last week, we talked about forgiveness. Mike Sladen, one of our teaching pastors, talked about how if your vertical relationship with God is right and you realize you’ve been forgiven much, then your horizontal forgiveness of others is easier in perspective of what God has done for you. But if you’re having a hard time forgiving others, it may be that you don’t fully understand the vertical forgiveness that has been granted to you. Now, I have had the privilege of sitting, watching, and listening to Mike teach his Bible for twenty-five years. That was the best I’ve ever heard him. It was vulnerable, it was authentic, it was theologically solid, and yet really, really hard.
As I was looking at this week’s text, I thought, Lord, it would be great if we had a little reprieve. But I’m afraid it goes from difficult to difficult to difficult. As you look in chapter 19, we are going to have to deal with the issue of marriage, divorce, and remarriage.
What’s Underneath the Table
I’m mindful of an expression that Dave Obwald, one of our pastors, mentions quite often. Dave spends a lot of time with our folks in re:generation helping people process the issues they’re struggling with. I say “us” because I went through it as well a year ago. Dave says most people talk just enough about what’s on top of the table that you never ask them about what’s underneath. If you really think about it, when somebody asks, “Hey, how are you doing?” you’ll share just enough that they quit asking questions, when really the real issue you need to talk about is something a little bit deeper.
This week, what we need to do is talk about what’s underneath the table. And it’s a very uncomfortable thing to talk about. Years ago, I went on a sabbatical and started a journey that was very uncomfortable for me because I talked to a guy who didn’t want to deal with what was on the table, but what was under it. I was like, “Man, there’s nothing to see there. Just look at all this up here!” But he kept asking questions and making me dig. Then I went through re:generation, where it forces you to dig. What I found is that there are some things underneath the table in my life—and I would venture to guess in yours as well—that are kind of like festering wounds. People go, “Hey, are you alright?” You say, “Yeah, I’m fine,” while you have this hidden pain going on. If somebody asked continual questions, you might actually have to open up and let them see the real issues underneath the table.
When people start poking around underneath your table, I don’t know how you react, but I get very defensive. I think, Why are you asking that? Who do you think you are? I don’t necessarily say the quiet part out loud, but that’s what I’m thinking. I get fearful because, truthfully, there’s a lot of shame and guilt from the things underneath the table in my life. Even as an elder and a pastor at this church, the Lord is still redeeming me from the junk underneath the table that, if I’m not careful, I just leave alone until it festers and becomes something much worse than if I had walked in the light and dealt with it.
All that to say, we want to talk about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. For a lot of you, you’re thinking, Dude, that’s way under my table. If I had read ahead just a little bit, I probably would have called in sick with a cold this week! But you’re here. My hope in you being here is that we can gain both a vision for what God intended and an understanding of God’s grace as we move through this issue.
Statistically speaking, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. I would love to tell you that that statistic is different for those who profess to be evangelical Christians, but the reality is the statistic is virtually the same. That represents over a million divorces in our country every year, which means at least two million people every year are experiencing the pain of divorce, and an estimated four million children are dealing with the fallout. There are shared custody issues where kids are living out of a gym bag going to one parent’s house and then the other—which is how I spent a lot of years in my life. There are custody battles where kids are forced to choose, and the unique challenges of blended families. None of it is insurmountable, but it comes with real pain.
The Grand Story: Creation, Fall, Redemption, Recreation
The good news is that it was not meant to be this way. God has a design, and there’s hope by God’s grace that we can begin to change the narrative. I would love to see the percentage of divorces inside the church begin to go down. It would be great if we reflected genuine hope in the gospel to an unbelieving world wondering if there is life-changing power in Jesus. I’d love to rewrite that narrative where people outside the church say, “Look, I don’t know what the deal is with those people, but they find a way to stay married.” And I don’t mean stay married miserably—I mean stay married and work it out.
I was talking to a couple just this week who have been married for over forty years. You don’t do marriage for over forty years without finding a way to figure it out. When I talk to a couple in premarital counseling and ask, “Tell me about your biggest fight,” and they say, “Oh, we never fight,” I tell them, “You’re in denial, you’re a bold-faced liar, or you’re a time bomb waiting to happen.” The reality is marriage can be very difficult.
If you look at the overall theme of the Bible, it moves through four stages: creation, fall, redemption, recreation. There is God’s created design, there is us messing it up in sin, there is God acting as Redeemer, and there is God recreating. The beauty of the gospel is that God is in the business of redeeming and recreating. That’s what He does.
So regardless of the state in which you walked in today, I want you to know that we serve a gracious God. Does He have a design? Yes. Do we foul it up more than we wish? Yes. Does God redeem and recreate? Absolutely. How you came in doesn’t have to be how you leave. Where you’ve been the last five years doesn’t have to be where you’ll be the next five. God rewrites our story for His glory through the redemptive recreation of fallen men and women who embrace Christ, are made new, and begin to live differently in confession, forgiveness, and walking together in love.
The Pharisees’ Trap
In order to walk faithfully with Jesus, we need to look at what’s underneath the table. In Matthew 19:1–2, we get the context.
Matthew 19:1-2 (NASB)
When Jesus had finished these words, He departed from Galilee and came into the region of Judea beyond the Jordan; and large crowds followed Him, and He healed them there.
In Matthew’s gospel, Jesus leaves Galilee, and it will be the last time He is in Galilee until after His resurrection in Matthew 28. He is now heading toward Jerusalem. He’s in Perea, a region just outside Jerusalem on the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds are following Him, and He is healing them. And then, in verse 3, comes the ambush.
Matthew 19:3 (NASB)
[Some] Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, ‘Is it lawful [for a man] to divorce his wife for any reason at all?’
The Pharisees were religious leaders who felt that the highest expression of obedience to God was strict adherence to their rules—legalists and fundamentalists who believed you honor God simply by being good. They come testing Jesus. They aren’t curious; they don’t want the truth; this is a setup.
They ask, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” That phrase could literally be translated, “for any and every reason.” In some rabbinic circles back then, a man could divorce his wife if he found any “indecency” in her—a broad, purposely vague term. She wasn’t allowed to divorce him, but he could divorce her if he didn’t like her cooking, if she snored, or, as one rabbi literally wrote, if he found anyone more attractive than his wife. Those were the cultural debates of the day.
Jesus had already spoken to this in the Sermon on the Mount.
Matthew 5:31-32 (NASB)
’It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for [the] reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Marriage is not an issue of convenience. It’s not intended to be a financial arrangement to split a mortgage or get a tax break, nor is it merely an outlet for sexual desire.
The Pharisees wanted Jesus to pick a team. There was the ultra-conservative camp from Qumran, who translated the Dead Sea Scrolls and believed divorce was forbidden under any circumstances whatsoever. Then there were two rabbinic schools: the school of Hillel, which said a man could divorce his wife for almost anything (the “indecency” camp), and the school of Shammai, which said divorce was only permissible for a “shameful offense” regarding sexual immorality. They wanted Jesus to put on a jersey and pick a side.
God’s Original Design
Instead of picking a camp, Jesus points them back to the Scriptures.
Matthew 19:4-6 (NASB)
And He answered and said, ’Have you not read that He who created [them] from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, ’FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH ’? ‘So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.’
Notice who Jesus says created them: God the Father, through Christ Himself as the agent of creation. Jesus is saying, “When I created the world in Genesis, here was My design.”
In verse 4, He speaks to gender identity: He made them male and female. In verse 5, He speaks to heterosexual marriage: a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two become one flesh. In verse 6, He speaks to the enduring nature of the marriage covenant: what God has joined together, let no one separate. The word “separate” is the exact word Paul uses for divorce in 1 Corinthians 7.
Jesus is showing that God’s ideal design is one man and one woman united for life—with no thought of a back door, no thought of “what if it doesn’t work out,” and no thought of irreconcilable differences.
This design is affirmed consistently across Scripture: by Moses in Genesis 1 and 2, by Jesus in Matthew 19, and by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5.
Ephesians 5:31 (NASB)
FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
Lest you think that was just an ancient idea that has evolved over time, God’s original design has never changed. Moses, Jesus, and Paul all affirm one man and one woman for life.
Hard Hearts and the Exception Clause
After creation comes the fall. Because of sin, God’s original design was distorted and the image of God in us was defaced. The Pharisees push back in verse 7: “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”
They were referencing Deuteronomy 24. But look at how Jesus responds.
Matthew 19:8-9 (NASB)
He said to them, ’Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. ‘And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.’
Moses never commanded divorce; he permitted it because of their hardness of heart. Divorce is always the result of sin, though it is not always a sin for the offended party.
In verse 9, Jesus gives what scholars call the exception clause: “except for immorality.” The Greek word is porneia, a broad term that refers to sexual activity outside of God’s design for marriage. Jesus says that when a spouse violates the covenant through sexual immorality, divorce is tolerated.
Why is that? Because marriage is not just a social contract. A husband and wife, created in the image of God, form a one-flesh union meant to reflect the glory, holiness, and steadfast love of God. Marriage is a living theological statement. When my kids watch the way I interact with my wife—seeing tenderness, repentance, forgiveness, healthy conflict resolution, and fidelity over time—it helps them understand who God is.
Some of you have lived through this painful exception. You have walked through the betrayal and heartbreak of an unfaithful spouse. You know how agonizing it is to stay faithful to someone who wanders. In cases of unrepentant sexual immorality, divorce may be unavoidable and is biblically permitted.
Yet, we have also seen powerful stories of God’s redemption. We have seen an offended spouse say, “I am deeply hurt, but I’m going to pray and ask God to pursue my spouse.” God is relentless, and we have seen Him bring unfaithful spouses to genuine repentance, restoring marriages in a breathtaking display of His grace.
Biblical Grounds and Nuance
Are there other biblical exceptions? Scripture gives us clarity on one and a principle for another.
The clear one is abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, found in 1 Corinthians 7.
1 Corinthians 7:15 (NASB)
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such [cases], but God has called us to peace.
If a believer is married to an unbeliever and the unbelieving spouse decides to walk away, the believer is released and called to peace.
The second, which I approach carefully as a pastor and elder, involves abuse. In Malachi 2:16, God makes His heart clear: “I hate divorce.” But the verse continues by condemning the man who “covers his garment with violence.” In ancient culture, spreading a garment over a woman was a symbol of marriage and protection. God hates it when the marriage covenant is covered with violence and abuse.
If you are in an abusive situation—whether physical or sexual—you need to get safe. Get yourself and your children out of harm’s way, report anything required by law, and utilize separation to protect yourself. As pastors, we will never tell someone to go home and endure physical harm in the name of submission. At the same time, we must be cautious not to stretch the word “abuse” to justify divorce over everyday marital conflict or emotional friction.
Divorce should never be rushed into. Moving too quickly to divorce closes the door on the possibility of reconciliation. Look at what is not on the biblical list of exceptions: falling out of love, unhappiness, incompatibility, or getting married too young. None of those are biblical grounds for divorce.
What About Remarriage and Singleness?
What about remarriage? Scripture teaches that if someone unlawfully divorces and remarries, they commit adultery. However, when a spouse has been abandoned or subjected to unrepentant sexual immorality, the offended party is generally understood to have freedom, though Christians have debated this for centuries. Everyone must walk according to their conscience under the Word of God.
Once remarriage occurs, returning to the original spouse is no longer a biblical option, as outlined in Deuteronomy 24. Reconciliation with your original spouse is off the table, which is why we must fight for reconciliation whenever possible before divorce occurs.
When the disciples heard Jesus’ high standard for marriage, look at how they reacted.
Matthew 19:10-12 (NASB)
The disciples said to Him, ‘If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.’ But He said to them, ’Not all men [can] accept this statement, but [only] those to whom it has been given. ‘For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are [also] eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept [this], let him accept [it].’
The disciples essentially said, “If that’s the standard, it’s better not to marry!” And Jesus doesn’t disagree that marriage is a massive commitment. The only thing harder than being single and wishing you were married is being married and wishing you were single.
Jesus explains that singleness is a gift for some. Some are born without the desire to marry, some are hindered by life circumstances, and some choose singleness for the sake of the kingdom of heaven so they can serve God with undistracted devotion. Singleness is not second-best; it is a high and honorable calling.
Grace for Where You Are
Where does this leave us today?
If you are currently separated, let’s pray for your spouse. Let’s pursue healing, walk in the light, and see what the Redeemer can do.
If you are already divorced, it is not too late for God to work. Seek reconciliation if it is possible. If not, ask the Lord if there are amends you need to make or forgiveness you need to ask for. Owning your part in humility is a powerful reflection of the gospel.
If you are divorced and remarried, reconciliation with your previous spouse is no longer an option. Your calling now is to build the healthiest, most Christ-centered marriage you can with your current spouse. Invest in your relationship, address any unresolved wounds from the past, and walk faithfully today.
We are far less concerned with where you have been than where you are going as you submit to Jesus, His Word, and His Church. We don’t want to poke at your wounds or heap shame upon you. We want to tip the table over, bring everything into the light, and invite the healing grace of the gospel into the broken places of our lives.
For our singles: remember that our culture’s approach to dating often trains us for divorce. Change the way you date. Seek purity, character, and intentionality.
For couples who are dating, engaged, or married: take advantage of the resources God has given us. We offer Merge for dating and engaged couples, Foundations for newlyweds, and Re:Engage every Thursday night at our Fig Garden campus for marriages seeking renewal.
Jesus concludes this section with a beautiful picture.
Matthew 19:13-15 (NASB)
Then [some] children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, ‘Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’ After laying His hands on them, He departed from there.
When the disciples tried to turn the children away, Jesus welcomed them. Hearing God’s high standard for marriage and the reality of divorce can feel overwhelming. But instead of pushing back, arguing, or defending ourselves, Jesus invites us to receive the kingdom of heaven with childlike faith.
Childlike faith says, “Lord, this is hard and uncomfortable, but I trust You. I receive Your Word, I receive Your grace, and I want to follow You.” Amen?