Envy and Integrity

The Roller Coaster of Faith

It’s good to be together. If we have not met yet, my name is Brad, and I’m delighted to get some time to hang out together. Welcome to those of you at this campus and to all of our other campuses and venues all over. We are continuing our series called Monarchy, and today we find ourselves in 1 Samuel chapter 18.

Before we get into the text, I want to take you back to the early 2000s. We had just started The Well. We had no children’s ministry yet because we didn’t have a single child, but things were changing. We finally had a youth group with about five kids and a youth pastor named Jeff Bachman. Jeff said, “Hey, we should take these kids to Magic Mountain.” I thought that was a great idea, and then he convinced me I should go with them.

Little did I know that in early February, they had just released a new torture device called X2. If you don’t know anything about this roller coaster, it has a track, but instead of a car, there’s a pole extending from the center with seats on either side that swing independently. Your feet are just hanging there. There are speakers right by your head. Jeff and I fought our way to the front of the line.

As we launched, the speakers started blaring heavy metal music and the climb began. You know that noise a roller coaster makes when it climbs? Clack, clack, clack, clack. I swear it went on for three days. We just kept going up and up. We finally reached the summit, and I’m confident I could see Fresno from there. Then the thing crested. It went over 70 miles an hour, twisting and turning, seats spinning independently. I was yelling at Jeff, “I hate you!” I had no idea which way was up. I was completely disoriented, and the only thing I was thinking was, Brad, just don’t throw up. Just don’t throw up.

I knew there was a track even if I couldn’t see it. I knew it couldn’t last forever. I saw people getting off the ride earlier, so I knew survival was possible. I just had to hang in there. Now, you might be asking what this has to do with 1 Samuel.

In chapters 16 and 17, we’ve seen the clack, clack, clack of David on the rise. David has been upgraded from the shepherd’s field to the King’s court. Instead of shepherding sheep, he’s comforting the King. He’s no longer killing bears and lions; he has killed the giant, Goliath. He has been personally enriched, promised the King’s daughter as a wife, his family is living tax-free, and he has the respect of the entire nation.

In chapter 18, he finally reaches the summit. But like that roller coaster, I learned quickly that what goes up must come down. From this chapter forward, David begins a descent into incredible disorientation and fear. In the coming chapters, he will be hunted like a dog. He will hide in caves. He will fake insanity before the King of Gath just to find protection from King Saul. This descent, this disorientation, will last fifteen years.

I imagine at some point in those fifteen years, he wondered, “You said I was going to be anointed king, and here I am living in a hole fearing for my life.” What carried him through that journey was the heart we saw in chapter 17, when he stood toe-to-toe with Goliath.

1 Samuel 17:46-47 (NASB)

‘This day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands, and I will strike you down and remove your head from you. And I will give the dead bodies of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD does not deliver by sword or by spear; for the battle is the LORD’S and He will give you into our hands.’

David knew that the battle was the Lord’s. That truth is what sustained him through the descent.

The Rising Tension

Saul may have been a little slow on the uptake regarding who David really was, but the evidence was mounting. In chapter 15, Saul was told his kingdom was rejected. In chapter 16, David was anointed king in a very public ceremony in Bethlehem. Word surely got back to Saul eventually. By the end of chapter 17, Saul is asking whose son David is, perhaps wondering if this is the same Bethlehemite he heard about.

By chapter 20, Saul finally acknowledges to his son Jonathan that as long as David lives, Jonathan will never have a kingdom. He knows David has to die. But while Saul is consumed with jealousy, his son Jonathan responds with incredible integrity.

1 Samuel 18:1 (NASB)

Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.

One of the most underappreciated storylines in this saga is the brotherhood between Jonathan and David. Though they should be competitors in the world’s eyes, their shared faith makes them tremendous friends. In a beautiful sign of humility and allegiance, Jonathan strips himself of his robe, his armor, his sword, and his belt, and gives them to David. It’s the equivalent of a king handing over his signet ring. He is acknowledging that the authority belongs to David.

But the crown won’t come easily. Saul is becoming strategic and suspicious. He keeps David close, but the public approval is shifting. When David returns from battle, the women of the city sing a song that drives Saul into a rage.

1 Samuel 18:8 (NASB)

Then Saul became very angry, for this saying displeased him; and he said, ‘They have ascribed to David ten thousands, but to me they have ascribed thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?’

From that day on, Saul looks at David with suspicion. The next day, an evil spirit comes upon Saul, and while David is playing the harp to soothe him, Saul decides to try and pin David to the wall with a spear. David dodges it—not once, but twice.

Saul becomes afraid of David because he realizes the Lord is with David but has departed from him. So, Saul tries to get rid of him by making him a commander and sending him into the most dangerous battles, hoping he’ll be killed. But David only prospers more. Saul then tries to use his daughters as a snare. He offers his daughter Michael to David, but the dowry he demands is 100 foreskins of the Philistines. It’s a bizarre and deadly request, but David, being David, brings back 200.

Saul’s plan backfires completely. Every move he makes to destroy David only results in David being more highly esteemed. Saul’s relationship with David deteriorates from suspicion to anger, then to violence, fear, dread, and finally, continual enmity.

Seasons of the Soul

David is now at the summit, but the descent is beginning. It is unsettling and out of control, and he is along for the ride. This reflects a reality for every person used greatly by God: the experience of the wilderness.

We often falsely assume that our relationship with God is linear—that if we follow Him, everything will just get better and better. We think it’s causal: “If I’m good, my circumstances will be good.” But the Christian life is dynamic. It has ebbs and flows. Historically, these have been called “seasons of the soul.”

Early writers like Ignatius of Loyola and Teresa of Avila spoke of “consolation” and “desolation.” Consolation is the experience of newness, joy, and passion. It’s that feeling when you first trust Christ—everything is amazing, worship makes you cry, and prayer feels powerful. It’s like a baby with a bottle. They love that bottle; they need that bottle.

But because God loves you, at some point, He pulls the bottle away. He wants you to move from milk to steak. This leads to desolation. In desolation, the things that once brought you joy now feel like a burden. Prayer feels stale. God feels distant. But is He absent? No. He is removing the joy of consolation so He can mature you in the wilderness.

Think about marriage. When you first get married, it’s all consolation. I remember when I first married my wife; grabbing her hand was like grabbing a battery. It was the best ever! After thirty years, we can sit on the couch and hold hands without saying a word, and there is a depth of presence that consolation could never provide. It’s not worse; it’s different. It’s deeper.

Saint Teresa of Avila said she had to learn to seek the God of consolation, not the consolation of God. We tend to love the feeling more than the Provider. When the feeling goes away, we start to deconstruct. we ask, “Is this even working?” But if marriages only stayed together when they felt “consolation,” no one would stay married. Our relationship with God is defined by His presence, not our feelings.

The God Who Stays

David felt this desolation deeply. Listen to how he frames it in the Psalms:

Psalms 55:4-6 (NASB)

My heart is in anguish within me, And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ’Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.

He wanted to fly away and be at rest. But then he pivots to trust.

Psalms 55:16-18 (NASB)

As for me, I shall call upon God, And the LORD will save me. Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, And He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle [which is] against me, For they are many [who strive] with me.

That is the beauty of desolation. It takes us on a journey where we find that God is often more present when He seems absent than when He seems present. Psalm 34:18 says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He is close to those who are crushed in spirit.

In the Old Testament, the Spirit of God was often described as transient. It came upon Saul and then left him. David, after his sin with Bathsheba, cried out, “Take not your Holy Spirit from me.” But for us, on this side of the cross, something wonderful has happened.

Ephesians 1:13-14 (NASB)

In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation– having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of [God’s own] possession, to the praise of His glory.

You are sealed. The Spirit of God is a down payment, a guarantee. He is with you in virtue and in vice. He is with you when you do well and when you crash and burn. He is with you in consolation and in desolation. He is sealed in you in love, full stop.

So, where are you today? Are you in a season of consolation? Are you experiencing joy and the perceived presence of God? If so, enjoy it! It’s a gift. But know that it may not last forever because God wants to grow you.

Are you in a season of desolation? Do the wheels feel like they’ve come off? Does your time with God feel stale? If that’s you, lean into it. God is taking you on a journey. He has a view of the track that you don’t have. You might be upside down trying not to vomit, but He knows where the ride ends. He can be trusted.

Psalms 131:2 (NASB)

Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child [rests] against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me.

We are learning what it feels like when the bottle is pulled away. We are learning to be weaned children who rest in the Father’s arms simply because He is there, not because of how He makes us feel. He takes account of your wanderings and puts your tears in His bottle.

Psalms 56:8 (NASB)

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are [they] not in Your book?

God is intimate with you. He knows every hair on your head and every tear you’ve shed. Regardless of the season you are in, He is good, He is with you, and His presence is unchanging. Welcome to the messy process of life with God.

Closing Prayer

Father, what a gift to see this pattern laid out even in the life of David—the rise and the fall, the consolation and the desolation. I pray that we would learn to trust You and lean upon You. Be gracious to us as we seek to live out this dynamic relationship with You through Christ and by Your Spirit. Whether You are giving us joy or taking us on a difficult journey, help us to be grateful, knowing that You accomplish all things for the good of those who love You. You can be trusted. In Jesus’ name, amen.