Song of Solomon: Deepening

Well, welcome to the final installment of quite a journey we’ve been on through the Song of Solomon. I don’t know about you, but when I first saw this book and read through it years and years ago, I had no idea the damage it would do. You know what I’m talking about? I’m getting hate mail from guys like, “Dude, my wife is all over me on this Song of Solomon thing.” I get emails from guys saying, “Seriously, is she calling and telling you the things that I’m struggling with? Because it’s like you’re reading my mail.”

I just love what God does with that. This book that we teach is what we call “living and active, sharper than a double-edged sword.” It is indeed inspired by God, which means it messes with our lives. At the beginning of this series, we said there are two choices you can make: you can take your lifestyle and the way you choose to live and make the Word of God acquiesce to you, or you can take the Word of God for all that it stands for and adapt your life to it. I hope we choose the latter. I hope the Word of God is what drives us, inspires us, and leads us—the thing we find shelter underneath.

Today, we finish our journey together by talking about “deepening.” How do you allow a marriage that begins with excitement, zeal, and youthful naivete to mature over time into something that gets better and better? How do we stem the tide of apathy? How do we stop that subtle and slow relational drift?

If you’ve been married for a decade or longer, you know exactly what I’m talking about. That intimacy is hard to keep. Over time, that subtle drift happens until you find yourself in a place you would have sworn you’d never be. You never wanted to be just a butler and a maid. You never wanted to be so committed to the kids that you disregarded your marriage. You never wanted to look across the table while your spouse is chomping on their meatloaf and think, “I don’t even know if I like you anymore.” Nobody wants to be there. Nobody says on their wedding day, “I commit to love, honor, and cherish you, but I’m hoping in fifteen years to not even know who you are.” How do we avoid that?

The Example of a Hero

I’ll tell you about a brief interaction I had with a guy I consider a hero. He probably doesn’t know it, but he shaped me in a “thin slice” conversation that lasted less than ten minutes. I still bear the marks of that interaction on my soul. If you’re from Fresno, you’ve heard the name Pastor G.L. Johnson. Pastor Johnson is a juggernaut in our community. He has walked with God since… well, since Moses, respectfully! He has been faithful in ministry for a long, long time. He has served the Lord, shepherded a tremendous church, and stayed faithful to the Word.

In 1994, I was at a graduation party, and there was Pastor Johnson, wearing a suit and tie as always. I was a bit starstruck, like a kid who wanted an autograph but didn’t know how to ask. I was stumbling over my words, looking like a total moron, when up walks this “rose among the thorns.”

He said, “Brad, have you ever met my bride, Jackie?”

I thought, Bride? Son, how long have you been married? They had been married for over fifty years, and she was still his “bride.” That stuck with me. Fifty years in, she was still his little treasure. He stood there as proud as could be. I committed that day that when I got married, my wife would be my bride for life. To this day, I refer to my wife as my bride because of Pastor Johnson. He showed me that it can start sweet and stay sweet for decade after decade. That is how a couple deepens a marriage.

Noticing the New in the Old

How do you keep it spicy? How do you allow a good marriage to get better over time? In chapter seven, we see a pattern similar to the honeymoon night in chapter four, but it’s not exactly the same. On the honeymoon, he focused on her eyes, her cheeks, and her breasts. But years later, the first thing he notices is her feet.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:1]

What are you looking at her feet for? It means this man is seeing things in his wife he never saw before. There is a beauty in her that has become fresh to him. He mentions the curve of her hips being like jewels. Now men, if you’re going to quote this, you better quote it right. If you talk about her hips the wrong way, she’s liable to throw a chair at you! He is talking about her shapeliness.

Remember, looks don’t last, looks are deceiving, and looks are canceled out by character. We watched our wedding video the other day, and I can’t believe my friends didn’t love me enough to tell me I had the most hideous Texas bowl cut in the history of man. Looks change. But here, he is still enamored with her.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:2]

He moves to her navel and her belly. Again, guys, be careful how you describe a “gut,” but here he says her navel never lacks mixed wine. Back in chapter one, she asked him to kiss her because his love was better than wine. Now, years later, their love is still intoxicating. He moves to her stature and her eyes.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:3-4]

He even compliments her nose! Newlyweds don’t usually notice the nose, but as love matures, you see things you never saw before. He is captivated by her.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:6]

By verse seven, something triggers. He can’t take it any longer. He describes her stature like a palm tree.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:7-8]

I want to sit down my Calvinistic, old-school reformed friends who try to tell me this is just about Jesus and the Church. I want to ask, “What in Sam Hill does this mean then?” Because it’s pretty clear: he calls his shot, calls her body a palm tree, and says he’s going to climb it and pick the fruit. It’s pretty clear to me!

Then, in verse nine, she interrupts him. He’s talking about her mouth being like the best wine, and she finishes the sentence.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:9]

This might be my favorite verse in the book. She’s saying, “Oh yeah, our love is still intoxicating, and it goes down smooth.” She even jokes that it puts him right to sleep. It’s the classic marital stereotype—intimacy followed by him snoring logs. She’s saying, “I take care of my man.”

Consuming Desire and Initiative

In verse ten, she makes a profound statement about her security.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:10]

That word “desire” is only used two other places in the Bible: in Genesis 3 regarding the fall, and in Genesis 4 regarding sin crouching at Cain’s door. It refers to an all-consuming, devouring desire. She is saying, “I am everything he longs for.”

Ladies, what an incredible place to be—decades into marriage and able to say with full confidence that of all the things he wants in life, you are number one. He’s not consumed with his golf game, his career, or a bigger boat. He is consumed with you.

Proverbs 18:22 (NASB)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.

Then, she takes the initiative. Ladies, listen to this rendezvous she plans.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:11-13]

She initiates a getaway. She says, “Let’s go to the coast, let’s get a bed and breakfast, just you and me.” As much as we hound men to lead, it’s a great thing for a wife to put something on his calendar. Tell him, “We’re going away. I’ve handled everything. You just have one question to answer: black or red?” He’ll lose his mind right there!

She mentions “mandrakes,” which were ancient aphrodisiacs, and “choice fruits, both new and old.” The “old” represents their history—the traditions and comfort of years together. The “new” represents spontaneity and fresh discoveries. She has saved these specifically for him.

The Danger of the Drift

We’ve all seen the “seven-year itch” or the mid-life crisis where someone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Listen, it’s still grass, and it still has weeds.

It’s amazing to me how many couples divorce after twenty years because they built their entire lives around the kids. The kids were the focal point, and the marriage took a back seat. Then the kids graduate, the parents look at each other and ask, “What’s your name again?” They don’t know how to be a couple anymore, so they go buy a dog and pour their lives into the dog instead.

This happens because we aren’t working on our marriages. We let them get stale and predictable. Men, we are often creative during the pursuit, but once she says “I do,” we stop. We think, “I told you I loved you; what more do you want?” Then we get more interested in what’s for dinner or the sports scores than in our wives. She disconnects, dives into Facebook or her career, and the slow erosion happens until someone says, “I’m just not happy.”

God hasn’t called you to be happy; He has called you to be faithful. Men, if you faithfully pursue that woman, you will change the atmosphere of your home. Ladies, if you faithfully respect and pursue that man, you’ll change everything. Get outside of yourself and serve your spouse.

A Permanent Seal

In chapter eight, she expresses a desire for more freedom in their public affection, wishing they could be as open as family members.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:1-2]

She’s being brazen. He responds by telling the “daughters of Jerusalem” not to stir up love until it’s time—basically saying, “Wait until we get home, honey!”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:4]

But ladies, when was the last time you did that? When was the last time you squeezed his leg at a restaurant or gave him “that look”? When was the last time you smacked him on the backside or left a note saying, “You better look out tonight”? That is what makes a marriage old and new at the same time.

She asks to be a seal over his heart, something permanent.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:6]

Love is as strong as death. You can’t buy it, you can’t find it on eBay, and you can’t bottle it. She wants to be the most intoxicating thing he has ever seen for the rest of their lives. The book ends with the same passion it started with.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:13-14]

That kind of passion is an earned response. This man invested in his woman from the beginning, and years later, the fire is still burning.

Action Steps for a Deepening Marriage

Can a marriage start good and get better? Absolutely. But it takes work. Here are four action steps:

1. Recognize that love must change. Love is a commitment, not just an emotion. If you only do it out of duty, it becomes sterile, but the foundation is being faithful rather than just seeking “happiness.”

2. Schedule time together. We live in a crazy world. You can’t expect intimacy to just happen. You have to coordinate calendars. You fell in love because you spent time together. If you stop communicating, your relationship will float to the shallow surface. Cultivating a marriage is like trying to swim underwater while wearing a life jacket—as soon as you stop paddling, you’ll float up. Go on a date. Go somewhere without crayons on the table or sippy cups. Get out of town, even if you have to sleep in your car. Nobody will care about your marriage as much as you do.

3. Dance between the old and the new. Build on your history, but keep pushing into new spontaneity. God doesn’t waste any experiences; use your past building blocks to create a future. Realize that not every moment will be “awesome,” but hanging in there brings fruit that is awesome.

4. Do the work. I tried to play golf for a while, but I realized that without practice, you’re just a “hack.” I remember seeing a guy at the driving range for hours, just practicing coming out of a sand bunker with his wedge. He was like a magician. I thought, I wonder if we put that much effort into our marriages? It takes consistent, committed effort. It takes apologies. You might have to say, “Sweetie, I’m a thug, I’m sorry. But we’re stuck together, so let’s make the most of this.”

If you work on it, it’s worth it. God has a unique way of restoring the years. I don’t know where you are today—your marriage might be great, or you might be filing for divorce in your mind. Regardless, Christ can set you on a new trajectory. The foundation of everything is Christ in us. Be godly men and women for the glory of Christ. Raise families where a healthy marriage is the focal point. Let your kids see you smooch your wife until they say, “Eww, gross!” and then do it again. The greatest gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage, and the greatest gift you can give your spouse is the callus on your hands from working on your relationship.

Genesis 3:16 (NASB)

To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you.’

Genesis 4:7 (NASB)

‘If you do well, will not [your countenance] be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.’

Father, would You give us strength to work on what we need to work on? Give us the courage to identify the issues and the ability to push through. Help us schedule time and recognize the beauty of the old and the new. May we live as husbands and wives in a way that honors Christ. Amen.