Conflict: Navigating the Spark

I wonder if you sat in that chair and we asked you to tell a story, how many you would have. Conflict is inevitable. It is a part of marriage. When I am meeting with a couple in a premarital context and I say, “Tell me about your greatest fight,” they often say, “Oh no, we don’t fight. We’re in love.” I have to tell them, “No, you’re just in denial right now.”

Because we are all going to conflict. The challenge we have is to conflict in a way that honors the Lord and reflects the gospel. In this book we are working through, the Song of Solomon, we just finished covering the issue of sex and sexuality, which was extremely graphic. We talked a lot about God’s design: one man and one woman for life. We recognized that any sexual indulgence outside of God’s design is sin. One of the greatest things we can do to reflect the glory of Christ is to not be in denial of the sin in our lives, but to walk in the light and invite the gospel to bear on those issues. The beauty of the gospel is that it redeems us, sets us free, and allows us to walk in newness of life, freedom, repentance, and grace.

We saw this incredible, intense situation at the end of chapter four and the beginning of chapter five.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:16]

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:1]

At the end of that section, you get the feeling that it is intense. Every married couple on the planet thinks, “How do I get that? How do I get that kind of physical response in my marriage?” I have good news and bad news. The good news is that everybody wants it. The bad news is that not everybody is willing to do the work. That kind of response is earned; it is a privilege, not a right. I tell couples all the time: if you want an exciting physical connection, young man, take the trash out. Do the dishes. Make sure her car is never out of gas. Do the laundry. Speak kindly to her. Write her a note. Give her flowers. Do the little things that speak life into her emotionally and spiritually, and watch the way she begins to speak life to you physically. Those three issues—emotional, spiritual, and physical—go hand in hand.

The Two Buckets

What is interesting is that immediately following that intimacy in the Song of Solomon, we find conflict. Because that is life. Even after an exciting sexual expression, this couple is still going to fight. You cannot build a marriage just on physical intimacy; you build it on the ability to communicate and reflect the gospel. In a healthy marriage, there is a recognition of sin, a confession of sin, and an asking for forgiveness. Grace is granted by the spouse, and restoration is offered. We who have been forgiven much should also love much.

In terms of the proportion of the text, there are 17 verses given to the issue of sex, but 28 verses given to conflict. I think that says something. If you find yourself fighting all the time, good! Now let’s help you fight clean.

Think about conflict like a flashpoint or a spark. When you see that spark, you as a spouse have two buckets in your hands. One is full of gas and one is full of water. You have a very interesting decision to make. You can throw the gas on it, blow the thing up, and accelerate it to the heavens, or you can pour the water on it and, by the grace of God, put that conflict out. If you’ve been married for a nanosecond, you’ve probably recognized the times you chose the wrong bucket. You’re yelling, “You this!” and “You that!” until you can’t even remember what you were fighting about because you chose the gas.

Reacting in the Flesh

In verse two of chapter five, this couple enters into conflict.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:2]

He is locked out of the house in the middle of the night, trying to get in, and he’s knocking. She responds in a very interesting way.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:3]

This is an old-school way of saying, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” He’s knocking, and the assumption is intimacy. Husbands, have you ever done this? She’s dead asleep, and you start shaking her, asking, “Are you awake?” No, she’s snoring! But you want her to be awake because you want her. So he’s knocking, and she says, “I’ve already washed my feet; it’s just not happening.”

Here comes the flashpoint. How is he going to respond? He has two choices. The bucket of gas is what I call “reacting.” Reacting is typically driven by the flesh, which has two primary expressions: anger and pride.

Regarding anger, James tells us to be quick to hear and slow to speak.

James 1:19-20 (NASB)

[This] you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak [and] slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Think about the last time you were angry. When something came out of your mouth in an unfiltered way, was it actually helpful for your marriage? Most of the time, it isn’t. We blow up and then assume that if we say “I’m sorry,” the other person will be fine. It’s like throwing a live grenade and then saying, “My bad.” There is still shrapnel and scar tissue. Anger also creates a pattern. Some of you weren’t angry until you got married to someone who conflicted in anger.

Proverbs 22:24-25 (NASB)

Do not associate with a man [given] to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.

You learned to get angry because you had to. The volume cranked to eleven, and you finally said, “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

Then there is pride. God says He is opposed to the proud. When anger and pride are in your conflict, there are dangerous consequences. It is hard to be angry and not sin. Paul says, “Be angry and do not sin,” but that’s easier said than done. When I get angry, my filter gets thin. It’s not just the words; it’s the tone.

I remember a situation where I was confronting a guy who had dishonored a girl. He kept blaming her, and I kept blaming him, and I eventually lost my temper and cussed at him. From that moment on, the issue wasn’t his behavior; the issue was me because I sinned. I became the focal point. When we react in anger, we lose perspective. We use generalizations like “You always” or “You never.”

Proverbs 18:19 (NASB)

A brother offended [is harder to be won] than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.

When you react in anger, the goal becomes “winning.” But if you win the fight, you lose your marriage. You are one flesh. How do you think your spouse feels when they lose? They aren’t going to say, “Thank you for yelling at me so I could see my faults.” It never goes down like that.

Proverbs 16:24 (NASB)

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Responding in the Spirit

Instead of reacting, what if we responded? Responding is driven by the Spirit. It means showing the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control. Responding preserves oneness.

Proverbs 17:14 (NASB)

The beginning of strife is [like] letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.

If you’re standing at the base of a dam and you see a crack, you don’t bang on it; you repair it. Responding in love allows God to work on your spouse. Scripture tells us to leave room for the wrath of God. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is to learn how to duck. If they are in sin, go pray. The arm of the Lord is strong enough to get to them. You cannot change your spouse, but God can. Draw a circle around yourself and ask God to change everything inside that circle, and give Him everything outside of it.

Proverbs 19:11 (NASB)

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

You can pour the water or the gas. The choice is yours. Let’s watch how this couple deals with it. He is locked out, and she is rolling her eyes.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:4-5]

This man chose to respond in love. If he had reacted in anger, he’d still be banging on the door, calling her a sluggard. Instead, he gently reaches through the bolt, puts myrrh on it, and walks away. Because he responds in love, she isn’t angry; she is aroused. She is intrigued. He leaves her a familiar scent—a message saying, “Remember who I’ve been? That’s still who I am.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:6-7]

She opens the door, but he is gone. She is left to look at herself in the mirror. Because he didn’t react in anger, the focus is on her own actions. She realizes she was wrong to leave him outside. She is convicted. I don’t think she was literally assaulted by the watchmen; I think the poetry suggests she was wounded by her own conscience and the discipline of the Lord.

Psalms 32:3 (NASB)

When I kept silent [about my sin], my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long.

Speaking Life in Conflict

She wants a relational reset. She is “lovesick.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:8]

The daughters of Jerusalem ask her what makes her beloved so special. Listen to how she speaks of her man in the midst of unresolved conflict.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:9-16]

She says he is “wholly desirable” and her “friend.” Fellas, if he had reacted in anger, do you think she’d be talking like that to her girlfriends? No way. But because he responded in love, she celebrates his godliness even while they are still at odds. There is no talk of divorce or separation. There is only sweetness.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:1-3]

She knows exactly where he is. He isn’t at a bar or with someone else; he is in his garden, safe and waiting. She says, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” Even in conflict, they are okay. One of the gifts you can give your kids is letting them see you conflict and reconcile. They need to know that Mom and Dad can disagree but that they are okay and aren’t going anywhere.

The Restoration

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:4]

He sees her coming. I’ve been married for almost twenty years, and sometimes we don’t even need to speak. I know her eyes. I see her walking toward me to reconcile, and I can see in her eyes that the guns are down. Some of the most powerful words you can say are, “I am so sorry. Would you forgive me for this?” To hear “I totally forgive you” and to be embraced is the gospel in action.

Proverbs 28:13 (NASB)

He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes [them] will find compassion.

If you own your stuff, you’ll be surprised at the grace you receive. Notice the effect in verse five.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:5-7]

This is reminiscent of their honeymoon night. He is affirming her. This is the “post-fight makeup.” Verse eight mentions sixty queens and eighty concubines, which people debate, but it seems he is simply affirming her distinction among all others.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:8-10]

He affirms her, and she asks a question of reconnection.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:11-12]

She is asking, “Are we okay? Is this still a life-giving relationship?” He responds by snatching her away. Then the daughters of Jerusalem try to chime in.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:13]

They want to keep watching, but he essentially says, “No, the rest is private.” Reconciliation is for your eyes only. It’s not for social media, and it’s not for your in-laws. To the in-laws out there: if your kids come home running over their spouse, send them home! Tell them, “I won’t be a safe haven for you to trash your spouse. Go figure it out.”

Five Steps for Conflict

As we close, here are five action steps for conflict:

1. Learn the art of responding, not reacting. Your natural tendency is to react because the flesh is strong. This is a gospel-driven thing. Until Jesus is Lord, you’ll be too busy trying to be right.

2. Purposely protect your oneness. Adultery isn’t usually an issue of lust; it’s an issue of neglect. If you aren’t pursuing oneness emotionally, spiritually, and physically, someone else will. Ladies, if you don’t respect that man, someone at his office might. Fight for your marriage.

3. Deal with conflict quickly and in grace. Love does not take into account a wrong suffered. Don’t let it fester. A small splinter can become an infection that costs you a hand if you don’t deal with it.

4. Initiate reconciliation early and often. Pursue your spouse. Sometimes you need to do this “sans kids.” Kids are designed to be a wedge; they want all your time and money. Get a sitter, leave some goldfish out, and go reconcile.

5. Once you have received forgiveness, move on. Don’t be historical. Redact it from the diary. The only thing worse than being hysterical is being historical—bringing up stuff from 1980. If you’ve received grace, move on.

Married couples, you are going to fight. Why? Because you are both sinners. You didn’t marry an angel; you married a human. But when you conflict, reflect the grace of Christ. It’s not about having a perfect marriage; it’s about bringing your marriage to a perfect Savior whose love covers it all.

Father in heaven, thank You for the privilege of walking with Jesus. I pray we would reflect Him in how we love and forgive. May we conflict in a way that brings You glory. We bless You. In Jesus’ name, amen.