AOD / Relationships

Introduction: The Anatomy of a Disciple

Well, good to see you, church! This is our last week in the Anatomy of a Disciple series. Can you believe it? Here we are at week five. Do me a favor as you’re grabbing a seat: find your way to Matthew chapter 22. That’s where we’re going to launch out of here in just a bit.

For those who are guests among us, my name is Shay Semlin, one of the pastors here. Over these past few weeks, we’ve had the opportunity to really wrestle with the issue of discipleship. In this series, we have investigated what the Bible says about what a Christian actually is. What does a follower of Christ look like? How do we understand ourselves in light of who Jesus is and what he has done for us?

As we have worked through this biblical model for understanding and assessing the key marks of a disciple, we’ve argued from the Scriptures that discipleship is never an external process that works its way inward. It is always an internal process that works its way outward. In other words, true followership of Christ doesn’t begin with our hands; it begins with our heart. It doesn’t begin with our offerings, our sacrifices, our church attendance, how often we read the Bible, or how many clubs and Bible studies we can join. Those external things do not mark initial maturity for us.

It is quite the opposite. Discipleship starts from the inside. It starts from a humbly submitted heart that recognizes Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior of our lives. Instead of placing myself on the throne, worshiping myself, and allowing this whole world to revolve around me, I understand that Christ is the rightful King. I recognize that he is on the throne, I place my worship in him, and I humbly submit my heart to him and say, “Lord, all that I have is yours. You are my King.”

Because he is my King, I now want to listen to his Word. I want to open the Scriptures and ask: What does my King have to say about who he is and what he has asked of us in this life? I begin to allow my mind to be conformed to his will by his Word.

When we start there—with a submitted heart and a biblically formed mind—the process works its way outward. Suddenly, all those external practices cease being a “have-to” and become a “want-to.” They become a “get-to.” The Holy Spirit transforms us from the inside out, moving us from consumers to contributors. We move from being those who have merely received the love of Christ to those who want to go out and give that love away.

We have seen that transformation spill over into several key areas. Two weeks ago, we looked at generosity. Out of a humbly submitted heart and a biblically formed mind, we move from consumers to givers. We recognize that everything on earth belongs to God, and we want to steward our time, treasure, and talents to bless others and build his kingdom. Last week, PJ walked us through the area of morality—how a submitted heart and a formed mind help us discern what best reflects the holiness of God in our lives. As we enter a broken and fallen world, we live as vessels of light, engaging the culture with values that reflect who God is and what God wants.

Now, in this final week, we find ourselves in a third area that gets transformed: the area of relationships.

Brokenness and the Ministry of Reconciliation

Truth be known, our God is a relational God. As his image bearers and his creation, we are relational beings. We are communal creatures who have been wired in his image to do life together—to live in harmony in Christ-centered, gospel-centered community.

Have you been outside lately and noticed that relationships are tough? People can be a bit nasty sometimes, can’t they? As much as we are relational beings, there is a ton of relational tension in our culture everywhere we look. Even this afternoon, my oldest daughter, who is ten, came home from school in tears because one of her good friends told her, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore; I think I’m done today.” Even though she will probably be her friend again tomorrow, my daughter’s little heart was crushed. People can be hurtful.

As relational beings, we see fractures all around us, and it is the result of our own sin. It started in the Garden of Eden and has lasted ever since. We are broken creatures. We see fractures in our friendships, in our families, in our marriages, with our coworkers, and in our neighborhoods. We see fractures across racial lines, ethnic lines, socioeconomic lines, and religious lines. We are a fallen people prone to conflict.

Yet the great news is that our God is in the business of healing those relationships. It is the very nature of what God has done from the beginning. He did not sit idly by and watch us drift away into conflict; he entered into our mess to offer us reconciling healing.

The very first relationship that had to be restored—before anything between you and me, between neighbors, or between spouses—was the relationship between us and God. That was the primary fracture that occurred in Eden when mankind rebelled against God. Rather than leaving us to our judgment or watching us drift away after that tether was cut, God entered into our brokenness. He found a way to reconcile us, even though he owed us nothing. We were a people who rebelled against him, spit in his face, and wanted nothing to do with him. Yet God, in his great mercy, offered up his own Son, Jesus Christ, so that we might be reconciled to him—no longer alienated and separated, but brought near.

Once our vertical relationship is restored with God through the power of his Holy Spirit, that repaired vertical relationship sends us out into the world to be agents of reconciliation in our horizontal relationships. The same gospel that reconciled us becomes the gospel that lives through us to repair the broken connections around us.

These two aspects go hand in hand. Our horizontal relationships will never be understood for what they are meant to be without first understanding that vertical relationship.

The Greatest Commandment

We see this most clearly in Matthew 22, starting in verse 34, where Jesus gives us a clear command regarding how vertical and horizontal relationships intersect for his followers.

Matthew 22:34-40 (NASB)

But when the Pharisees heard that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered themselves together. One of them, a lawyer, asked Him [a question], testing Him, ‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’ And He said to him, ’‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ ’This is the great and foremost commandment. ’The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ ‘On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.’

This passage takes place near the end of Jesus’ ministry, around Wednesday of Passion Week. He is just a few days away from being betrayed, crucified, buried, and raised three days later. On this particular day, relational tensions between the religious leaders and Jesus were heating up. The leaders launched three different attacks to trap him so they could find an accusation to hand him over for execution. The Pharisees and Sadducees had already tried, and now we see a third attempt.

When the Pharisees heard that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and a lawyer asked him a question to test him. The lawyer hoped to divide Jesus’ audience so that half the people would be upset with him and half would agree, giving them grounds to put him on trial.

He asked a massive question: “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” Remember, the law in Israel wasn’t just the Ten Commandments, though those formed the epicenter. It consisted of 613 dietary, civil, and ceremonial commandments. They asked him, “Of all 613, which one is the greatest?” They hoped he would pick one so they could use the other 612 against him.

Jesus, being the Son of God, flips everything upside down. He answers, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.”

Jesus explains that the entire law can be summed up in holistic, total devotion to God from the heart. This is the epicenter of what we call the core in the anatomy of a disciple: a humbly submitted heart and a biblically formed mind. The first thing we offer to God isn’t our tithes and sacrifices; the first thing we offer to God is ourselves. Our entire being belongs to him.

Notice that Jesus doesn’t stop there. He says in verse 39 that the second commandment is like the first—meaning it is just as essential and intrinsically connected to what it means to love God. He says, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Along with total, heartfelt devotion to God, we are called to love our neighbor with that same intentionality.

Who Is My Neighbor?

The immediate question that pops into our minds when we read this is: “Alright, who is my neighbor? I understand loving God, but who qualifies as my neighbor?”

If we are honest with ourselves, we often ask that question somewhat condescendingly. We want to say, “Now, Jesus, when you say love your neighbor, there must be certain people you don’t mean, right? Who isn’t my neighbor?” We look for an out.

That very question was asked in Luke chapter 10. A lawyer stood up to test Jesus and asked, “And who is my neighbor?”

Luke 10:29-37 (NASB)

But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbor?’ Jesus replied and said, ’A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among robbers, and they stripped him and beat him, and went away leaving him half dead. ’And by chance a priest was going down on that road, and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. ’Likewise a Levite also, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ’But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion, and came to him and bandaged up his wounds, pouring oil and wine on [them]; and he put him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn and took care of him. ’On the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper and said, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I return I will repay you.’ ‘Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the robbers’ [hands]?’ And he said, ‘The one who showed mercy toward him.’ Then Jesus said to him, ‘Go and do the same.’

Jesus answered by sharing the parable of the Good Samaritan. A man traveling down from Jerusalem was beaten, robbed, and left for dead. Several religious leaders passed by on the other side of the road. Finally, an unlikely Samaritan—someone despised by the Jewish people—came along, bound up his wounds, and took care of him.

By telling that story, Jesus answered the question: your neighbor is anyone God providentially places in your life whose needs you can meet, loving them as Christ has loved you.

Maybe that is your physical neighbor next door. Maybe it is a spouse, a parent, a child, or a coworker. Maybe it is someone you don’t know—someone at a stoplight or in the grocery store. Every relationship God brings into our lives, whether a random encounter or a regular engagement, is an opportunity to demonstrate the love with which God has loved us.

That includes the difficult people. It includes your messy roommate who leaves dirty dishes everywhere. It includes the driver who cuts you off in the church parking lot. It includes the grumpy neighbor who complains the moment your lawnmower crosses an inch onto his property. If you’re a Broncos fan, it even includes the Seahawks fan this weekend—or the Raiders, though PJ used that illustration last week, so I’ll give them a break today!

Jesus makes it clear: your neighbor even includes your enemy. God places difficult people in our lives as an opportunity to demonstrate the love of Christ toward them.

Loving Others as Ourselves

How do we do that? How in the world do we love difficult people the way Christ commands?

Jesus provides the standard in Matthew 22:39: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We are meant to seek the care of others in the very way we naturally seek to care for ourselves. All of us prioritize ourselves. When we are hungry, we eat. When we are thirsty, we get something to drink. If we are dirty, we take a shower—at least most of us do! We make sure our own needs are met.

Jesus takes that natural self-preservation and uses it as a guiding principle: with the same zeal, priority, and interest that you care for yourself, invest in others. Prioritize their needs. Paul uses the exact same practical principle in Ephesians when he writes that husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. If you care for your own body, you must care for hers.

Ephesians 5:28 (NASB)

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

This is the same truth Jesus taught in the Golden Rule: do to others as you would have them do to you. If you don’t want people holding grudges against you, don’t hold grudges against others. If you want forgiveness when you fail, do not withhold forgiveness from those who fail you. If you dislike conflict, step forward as a peacemaker.

This is an unconditional love meant for all people, especially those who are hard to love. Look at what Jesus says in Luke chapter 6.

Luke 6:32-35 (NASB)

’If you love those who love you, what credit is [that] to you? For even sinners love those who love them. ’If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is [that] to you? For even sinners do the same. ’If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is [that] to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same [amount]. ’But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil [men].

The non-Christian world loves conditionally. But you are a child of the Most High God, redeemed by his radical love. How different should our love be from the rest of the world? Everyone else loves when it is convenient, but we are called to love our enemies, do good, and expect nothing in return.

When we do that, we reflect our Heavenly Father, who is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. God loved us with an everlasting love when we did not deserve it. In the same way, he calls us to initiate health in our relationships, pursue reconciliation, and freely extend forgiveness.

The Power of Forgiveness and Reconciliation

I have shared before how God has transformed my own life and family in this area. One of the most significant reconciling events in my life was with my dad.

When I was three years old, my dad had an affair with his secretary and walked out on our family, leaving my mom, my two older brothers, and me. For the rest of my childhood and early adulthood, a deep bitterness grew within me. I began to despise my dad. I thought, What kind of dad walks out on his kids? What kind of husband abandons his wife? What kind of father only calls his son once a year?

I hated Father’s Day. I hated standing in the store looking at cards that praised how wonderful dad was, knowing that none of those words applied to my life. For thirty years, my dad received blank cards from me on Father’s Day. That bitterness consumed me until the Lord saved me by the blood of Jesus. God showed me how great his love was for me when I was his enemy, redeeming me not because I earned it, but because his grace demanded it.

Years later, I was in a men’s Bible study addressing the issue of the “father wound.” We realized how many men carried deep pain from their fathers. The leader challenged us: “Christ has loved you and forgiven you when you didn’t deserve it. Go initiate that reconciliation with your dad.”

My initial reaction was, No way. I’m not doing that. But the Holy Spirit continued to prick my heart until I finally called my dad and asked, “Would you be willing to get together and talk?”

My dad flew in, and my brothers and I sat down with him. I was thirty-one or thirty-two years old, and it was the first time in our lives we had ever talked about the divorce and the pain of his departure. I walked through eighteen specific moments where his absence had cut deep. But at the end of that conversation, the most freeing moment of my life was looking my dad in the eye and saying, “Dad, despite all of that, I love you and I truly forgive you. I forgive you because I understand what it means to be forgiven by Christ when I didn’t deserve it.”

We didn’t suddenly go on father-son fishing trips, and doves didn’t descend from heaven. My dad never actually apologized. He passed away a year ago yesterday without ever saying he was sorry. But the freedom that came from offering Christ’s forgiveness transformed the final decade of our relationship. Reaching out to him was no longer a burden; it became a joy. Even sitting by his deathbed, loving him and telling him that Christ loved him was a gift.

I saw the same grace transform my brother’s life. He and his wife were not believers early in their marriage. My brother was a workaholic who neglected his family, which bred deep resentment in his wife. Eventually, she had an affair, and their marriage completely fractured. My brother was preparing to hire an attorney and walk away.

Right in the middle of that disaster, God saved my brother. The gospel of Jesus Christ wrecked him in the best way possible. His heart melted over the forgiveness he had received from Jesus. Instead of walking away, he told his wife, “I want to work this out. It hurts, but I forgive you.” Over time, she came to faith in Christ as well, and God fully restored their marriage. Today, almost a decade later, they spend their lives serving as marriage counselors, offering the hope of Christ to couples on the brink of divorce.

That is what happens when a disciple moves from internal transformation to outward action. We stop using people as commodities for our self-promotion. Where we once harbored hatred, we choose to forgive. Where we held grudges, we let them go. Where we were passive in conflict, we step forward as reconciling agents.

This is a great time to do a relational assessment. Are you leaving a wake of fractures behind you? Do you have a hard time forgiving? Do you carry ongoing tension with the people around you? If you notice relational dysfunction, don’t look for an external, superficial fix. Go back to the core: Is your heart humbly submitted to God? Have you truly received his unmerited grace? Only when that vertical relationship is healthy can we become agents of reconciliation horizontally.

From Choices to Compassion: Inclusive Community

When our hearts are submitted to God and our minds are formed by his Word, our choices in generosity, morality, and relational health begin to align with his heart. The next area of transformation moves from our choices to our compassions.

In addition to cultivating healthy relationships within our immediate circles, we develop a God-given burden to invite a broken and hurting world into that community. We begin to care for the marginalized, reaching out to broken marriages, hurting families, and fractured lives so they can experience the healing Jesus offers.

Unfortunately, the opposite often happens in the church. The longer many of us walk with Christ, the more exclusive we tend to become. We fall prey to a subtle desire to hoard the blessings of the gospel within our own safe circles rather than sharing them.

Our culture encourages this. We don’t build big front porches anymore; we build tall privacy fences in our backyards to keep people out. We hit the garage door opener, pull our cars in quickly, and shut the door before we have to say hello to a neighbor. We construct walls to keep people at arm’s length so our lives won’t be disrupted.

When we study the life of Jesus, we see the exact opposite. Jesus was defined by moving toward the marginalized, the broken, and the hurting, inviting them into his presence. Matthew 11:19 tells us that Jesus was known as a “friend of sinners.”

Matthew 11:19 (NASB)

’The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.’

In that culture, calling Jesus a friend of sinners was not a compliment; it was an accusation against his radical, inclusive community. Eating with outcasts was scandalous to the religious elite. Yet that was the very heartbeat of Jesus’ ministry. While he poured deeply into his twelve disciples and regularly retreated to pray, his life was marked by welcoming people in.

Surveys across the American church reveal a sobering trend: within two years of coming to faith in Christ, the average Christian has almost zero non-Christian friends. As time goes on, we tend to isolate ourselves from the very world we were commissioned to reach.

Breaking Out of the Christian Bubble

We have built an entire Christian subculture to keep us comfortable. We have our own Christian schools, bookstores, apparel lines, music industry, awards, and movies. We even have the Shepherd’s Guide—the Christian Yellow Pages—as though we shouldn’t even do business with anyone outside the church!

There is nothing inherently wrong with Christian resources; many of them serve good purposes. But if we are not careful, we can completely detach ourselves from the world we are called to reach. We become exclusive, while Christ’s ministry was radically inclusive. We must allow the gospel to invade our hearts so that our compassion for the lost overrides our fleshly desire for comfort.

2 Corinthians 5:18-20 (NASB)

Now all [these] things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

I remember what my life was like in high school before I knew Christ. I came from a broken, non-Christian home. A friend on my basketball team, who was a believer, invited me over to his house. For the first time, I saw a family pray together over a meal. I saw parents and kids opening the Bible and working through conflict with grace. I became curious.

Eventually, that friend invited me to church. People there welcomed me—a kid who had no spiritual background and gave them no reason to invest in him. Yet they brought me into their lives, showed me the love of Christ, and God eventually saved me. Where would I be today if that family had kept their doors closed? Where would I be if they had chosen exclusivity over inclusive community?

How to Build Inclusive Community

How do we begin to build this kind of inclusive community? Let me suggest four practical steps.

First, we have to pursue health in our own lives and immediate relationships. We cannot export what we are not embracing. I cannot treat my wife poorly at home and then expect to genuinely invite my neighbors to experience the joy of Christ.

Second, we must invite people into a transparent process, not a finished product. If we wait until our lives are flawless before inviting people in, we will never open our doors. Many believers put up a facade because they are ashamed of their mess, creating a moat that keeps others away. Discipleship means welcoming people in to see the good, the bad, and the ugly—showing them what it looks like to walk with Jesus in the middle of real-life struggles.

Third, we have to be willing to enter into the mess of other people’s lives. If we wait for non-believers to clean up their lives before we engage them, we will never reach them.

Romans 5:8 (NASB)

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus did not wait for us to clean ourselves up; he met us right in the middle of our sin. Entering into people’s lives is messy, inconvenient, and uncomfortable, but it is the very way Jesus loved us.

Finally, inclusive community is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. True community isn’t drive-thru or fast-food fellowship; it is long-term investment.

Practically, this can start with simple hospitality. Commit to opening your home for dinner once a week and intentionally inviting someone you wouldn’t normally spend time with. Invite someone to your table for Thanksgiving or host a Super Bowl gathering this weekend with neighbors who don’t know Christ. If you lead a Life Group, fight the urge to close the circle. Welcome new people in, embrace the messiness of growth, and multiply your group so more people can experience gospel community.

In our Anatomy of a Disciple assessments, the lowest scoring category across the board is almost always inclusive community. It is relatively easy to write a check for generosity or serve on a project for a day and then retreat to our private lives. But opening our lives to others demands vulnerability and sacrifice.

May we be a church that pursues deep relational health, tearing down our walls to invite the broken and marginalized into the life-transforming love of Jesus Christ.

Conclusion and Prayer

This is what it looks like to be a healthy disciple of Jesus Christ: humbly submitted in our hearts, biblically formed in our minds, and allowing God’s values to guide our choices in generosity, morality, and relationships. As those choices mature, they overflow into compassion for the lost, compelling us to share the eternal hope of Christ with the world around us.

Let’s pray together.

Father, thank you for the supreme example you have given us in your Son, Jesus Christ. Thank you for the relational health and reconciliation we have received through his sacrifice. Thank you for welcoming us into your family when we were far off and undeserving.

Lord, search our hearts today. Deliver us from our selfishness and lead us into your selflessness. Transform us by your grace so that we might step into the broken relationships around us as ministers of reconciliation. Use our lives and our homes to display the beauty of your gospel to a watching world. We pray all these things in the strong name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.