Song of Solomon / Attraction
A Jab to the Face
It is good to be with you here today. If you have your Bibles, turn to the Song of Solomon. It is a little book of poetry tucked into the middle of your Bible, and we are going to spend the next seven weeks having some fun with this text. Truthfully, for me, this is one of my favorite books of the Bible—if you’re even allowed to have a favorite. I don’t want to be a heretic or anything; it’s not like the others don’t matter. It’s just that I love this book, primarily because when I first heard it, it was like an absolute jab to the face. It was like having my whole life called a fraud.
Everything relationally that I had ever done up to that point had been a total train wreck. Every relationship I’d been in had been a case study in the absolute moronic behavior of a man. But when I saw this book for the first time, God opened my eyes to the potential of doing relationships differently. Like many of you, I figured that I had all these passions and desires, and God had just thrown them into my lap like a live hand grenade and said, “Have fun with that.” I just kept blowing myself up for twenty-one years until I read this book.
This book began to change the way I viewed relationships. For most of us, especially us dudes, you get into a relationship thinking you’ve got it figured out. You think you’re doing pretty good. You know what you’re doing, and you think, “It’s a woman; how difficult could it be?” Then, all of a sudden, you get married and you think, “Oh my gosh, what have I done?” You realize you don’t speak the same language. She doesn’t speak “grunt” like you do. You say, “What are you going for dinner?” and she doesn’t understand that.
It’s fascinating the way God designed us to be very different intentionally. The scriptures speak of things that are too wonderful, too incredible to understand: the way of an eagle in flight, the way of a snake on the rock, the way of a ship on the sea, and the way of a man with his maiden.
Proverbs 30:18-19 (NASB)
There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Four which I do not understand: The way of an eagle in the sky, The way of a serpent on a rock, The way of a ship in the middle of the sea, And the way of a man with a maid.
It didn’t take long for us knuckle draggers to get married and realize we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. Those who come to that realization either end up faking it or finding help. My hope in the next seven weeks is that we would together find some help from the scriptures.
Going Upstream
God has indeed given you passions and desires. He has made you and your spouse very different. For those of you who are single, He has made you and the person you eventually will marry very different. It is intentional. Truthfully, if men married women who were just like men, we would never communicate. We would decorate our homes with cinder blocks and two-by-sixes and call it art. We’d have pictures of Rambo on the wall. There is a bringing together of masculinity and femininity that is powerful and profound, yet in that difference, we have to figure out how to do this.
The Song of Solomon is a fascinating book because it walks us through a complete compendium of a relationship. You’ll see attraction in chapter one. You’ll watch them spend time together in a dating context in chapter two. You’ll see the intensity increase through courtship. In chapter three, you’ll see the proposal and the honeymoon. Then, in chapter four, it’s like a webcam into the bridal chamber.
There will be multiple times throughout this study that you’ll want to flip your Bible over to make sure you’re still reading the Bible, because it is as graphic a book as you will ever read on the issue of sexuality. I think that is fantastic. In a God-honoring context of one man and one woman for life, within the boundaries created by God, sexuality should be enjoyed, not endured.
Directly after the honeymoon night is their first fight, which I think is brilliant. They have phenomenal sex as a married couple and then immediately get into a squabble. That’s life! For those of you who have been married for any number of days, you know that’s exactly how it happens. But what I love about this book is that it finishes strong.
You know the old expression “the old ball and chain”? Your friends try to talk you out of getting married, saying the first year is awful. Well, mine was awesome. Then they say the third year is terrible. Mine was awesome. Then they say the seven-year itch is awful. Mine was awesome. But here is the catch, especially for the men: it doesn’t get better accidentally. I challenge you as men to step up, and ladies, I challenge you to respond to what the scriptures teach.
This is a much-needed series for singles because, by God’s grace, you will someday be married. It’s better to learn from other people’s mistakes now. Let someone else pay the “dumb tax” so you can learn before that day comes. And for those who are married, don’t check out during the chapters on attraction and dating. Never forget where you came from. Marriages often stall because we turn into oafs who just want another glass of tea and call that communication. This couple in the Song of Solomon constantly goes back to the beginning to rekindle how they fell in love.
I think it is important for us to deal with this because we are living in the results of a terrible approach to marriage. I have a health science degree from Fresno State. It’s been very helpful in ministry because I can tell you exactly how long your meat can be out of the refrigerator before it’s in the “danger zone” and you get sick. That’s about all I got from that degree, but I did learn one story that stuck with me.
There was a village down by a river, and it was a sad scene because bodies were constantly floating down the stream. The villagers felt bad, so they’d swim out, pull the people ashore, and have funerals. Finally, they said, “We’re missing some of them; we need a boat so we can reach more.” Then they said, “If we have a boat, let’s teach our people CPR so we can resuscitate them.” Then they decided to build a clinic and get a second boat. Finally, someone said, “Hey, I have an idea. What if we walked upstream and taught those people how to swim?”
In many ways, we are just dealing with the symptoms of marriage failure. We have crisis counseling, divorce recovery groups, and divorce attorneys. These are helpful and needed, but we need to be smart enough to go upstream. We need to deal with the issue before people end up in marriage. We need to teach singles how to attract biblically and teach young couples how to fight clean. If we teach people upstream, we’ll be much better off.
The Right Type of Person
According to the first verse, this book is attributed to Solomon.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:1]
Solomon is a bit of a moral meltdown by the end of his life, with a thousand women in his harem, which brings up some interpretive issues. Historically, many have viewed this book as an allegory—meaning it doesn’t mean what it says, but has a “deeper” spiritual meaning. Others see it as an “extended type,” where the Old Testament is a black-and-white shadow of a New Testament reality.
How many of you have ever sung the song, “He has brought me to his banquet table and his banner over me is love”?
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:4]
We sing that as if it’s about Jesus, but that verse has nothing to do with Jesus. It’s a woman reflecting on the character of her man. We tend to think, “God would never speak this passionately about sex, so it must be about Jesus.” As if God doesn’t care about what happens in your bedroom! I believe God is all over this book because you cannot do a relationship in a God-honoring way without the Lord in your life.
In our culture, there is an allure to the super-romanticized hunt for “Mr. or Mrs. Right.” We have this idea that there is one singular perfect person out there. John Mayer has a song about passing someone on the sidewalk and wondering if he missed his only chance. We watch movies like When Harry Met Sally and think it’s all fate. But the biblical picture is different: you don’t need to find a “soulmate” by fate; you need to find the right type of person.
In chapter one, the woman is reflecting on the beginning of her relationship. She starts with passion.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:2]
She says his love is sweet, intoxicating, and better than a nice Merlot. This man does something to her, which is the way it ought to be. She mentions that his oils have a pleasing fragrance. In those days, you didn’t have showers and bath gels, so you covered your stench with aromatic balms. But then she says something more important in verse three: “Your name is like purified oil.”
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:3]
In the Hebrew world, your name was your character, your reputation, and your integrity. That’s why the Proverbs say a good name is better than silver and gold.
Proverbs 22:1 (NASB)
A [good] name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.
Ecclesiastes 7:1 (NASB)
A good name is better than a good ointment, And the day of [one’s] death is better than the day of one’s birth.
She says his name is like “first-pressed oil,” the kind used to light the lamps in temple worship. His character is superlative. He isn’t just popular; he is well-liked and respected. When you mention his name, people associate it with godliness.
Ladies, when you’re looking for a guy, ask some questions! It drives me insane when a girl meets a guy, gets his number, starts dating him, and six months later she’s in my office with a broken heart because he didn’t treat her right. You didn’t even know the guy! Find out about his character. Ask his friends. Ask his pastor. Check him out on Facebook. If he carries a big study Bible but his Facebook is full of pictures of him pounding beers with his buddies, kick him to the curb.
Make sure he is godly without you. If he isn’t leading himself spiritually, he has no business leading you. And remember: godliness at a point in time means nothing, but godliness over a period of time means everything. Anyone can fake it for a while.
1 Timothy 5:24-25 (NASB)
The sins of some men are quite evident, going before them to judgment; for others, their [sins] follow after. Likewise also, deeds that are good are quite evident, and those which are otherwise cannot be concealed.
A guy can fake being godly for a season, but he can’t fake it over time. So what’s the rush? If you find a man who is submitted to a higher authority—the Word of God—he will treat you the way you need to be treated. If he doesn’t have a higher authority, he will eventually become either apathetic or abusive because there is no check in his life.
Men, you won’t build this reputation in a day, but you will build it daily. You are becoming something one decision at a time. Are your sights on Christ, or are they on the fleeting things of this world?
Matthew 6:19-20 (NASB)
’Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ’But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal;
Matthew 6:33 (NASB)
’But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
This woman isn’t attracted to this guy because of his portfolio; she’s attracted to his character.
Black but Lovely
Now let’s look at the woman. She speaks in verse five.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:5-6]
She says she is “swarthy” or sunburned. In that culture, fair skin was esteemed because it meant you were an indoor girl, a lady of leisure. This girl has been working outside in the sun. Yet, she says she is “black but lovely.” She doesn’t have esteem issues. She knows she might not look like the airbrushed women in the grocery store aisles, but she is lovely. Her beauty is deeper than her skin.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (NASB)
Your adornment must not be [merely] external– braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but [let it be] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Ladies, go ahead and get “gussied up” if it makes you feel pretty. Get the mani-pedi, color your hair. But don’t let that be the extent of your beauty. Let it come from the hidden person of the heart.
We see two traits in this woman that are exceedingly attractive. First, she is submissive. Her brothers put her to work, and she goes to work. Submission is a beautiful thing when it functions in health. Just as God calls a man to be a godly servant leader, He calls a woman to be a godly, respectful wife. When sin enters, the wheels come off—he becomes harsh, or she becomes disrespectful.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any [of them] are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Submission, ladies, is often just knowing how to get out of the way and letting God deal with your husband. Nag less, pray more. If a woman won’t submit now, she won’t submit after you put a ring on her finger.
Proverbs 21:9 (NASB)
It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 27:15 (NASB)
A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;
Second, she is hardworking. She’s out in the vineyards, not afraid to break a nail. I’m all for the princess thing, but at some point, it’s good to get a callus. Think of Rachel the shepherdess or Ruth in the fields. Some of the things I respect most about my wife are the times I’ve seen her on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor, or serving the poor on mission trips while covered in dirt and sweat. That grit is attractive.
The Problem with Only Looking at Looks
Men, why is it that the primary means of attraction for most guys is looks? It’s insanity. There are three problems with relying on looks.
First, looks don’t last. If you don’t believe me, look at your high school graduation picture. I remember when I got married, I was a personal trainer and I had lost my “back fat.” I was feeling svelte. A few years later, I was looking in the mirror, terrified of back hair, and I realized I had a splotch of hair like a Brillo pad and my back fat had returned like armor. My wife was in the other room just cracking up. You’ll never look that good again!
Second, looks can be deceiving.
Proverbs 31:30 (NASB)
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, [But] a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Lamech in the Bible married two trophy wives whose names meant “ornament” and “tinkling.” You can go get a trophy wife, but you’ll be in my office in six months. Beauty is a bonus, but if it isn’t an overflow of a godly heart, you’re in trouble.
Third, looks are always canceled out by character.
Proverbs 11:22 (NASB)
[As] a ring of gold in a swine’s snout [So is] a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.
You might see a girl who is attractive, but then she opens her mouth and you just think, “Yuck.” I’ve never had a guy come into my office and say, “My wife is sleeping with my buddy, but it’s okay because she’s smoking hot.” Character always wins.
Learning to Lead and Initiate
Finally, we see this woman wanting to set up a rendezvous with her man.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:7]
Is it okay for a girl to contact a guy? In dating, we are training for marriage. Men are learning to lead and initiate. Ladies, if you always initiate, he won’t. If you do it, he doesn’t have to. This breeds passivity in men. One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to stop leading and let him step up. If nothing gets done, let nothing get done until he leads.
Notice also that she will not compromise her integrity. She asks where he passes his flocks because she doesn’t want to be like the women who “veil themselves”—the prostitutes who waited by the flocks. She wants to be with him, but she says, “Your intentions better be pure.”
You have to make decisions about boundaries ahead of time. If you try to make them in the heat of the moment, it’s too late. This woman loves him, but she will not compromise her character.
Conclusion: A Gospel-Shaped Relationship
The right type of person is godly, has character, is hardworking, and has beauty on the inside. Married couples, if you’ve forgotten these things about one another, go back. Repent and return to the beginning. Singles, cultivate these traits in yourself right now and don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t possess them.
Father, as we embark on this journey, I cannot help but feel convicted. Lord, I know this is hard. Many of us have stories of regret and decisions we wish we could undo. I pray that in the midst of it all, we would be reminded that this is why we have a Savior.
I pray that after these sessions, people would feel stirred to apologize, to repent, and to return to You. Help us move far upstream. Help us to date based on character, not just looks. Allow us to experience health and joy in our relationships. May our lives be shaped by the Gospel, not by the culture. In Christ’s name, Amen.