Song of Solomon / Dating & Courtship

Welcome once again. If you have your Bibles, please turn to the Song of Solomon. We are continuing our series, and today we’re going to cover the issues of dating and courtship.

Before we dive in, I want to mention something regarding Bible versions. We usually teach out of the ESV, but Song of Solomon presents a unique challenge: figuring out who is speaking. In my opinion, the New American Standard (NASB) does a much better job of capturing the poetic dialogue and identifying the speakers. So, if you thought I finally learned to translate Hebrew or just lost my mind last week, neither is true—we’re just using the NASB for this series because of how it handles the poetry.

The Memory of Romance and the Reality of Pain

I want to begin by asking you a question. Think back to a relationship from your past—for some, it’s recent; for others, you have to dig a bit deeper. Think of a dating relationship that went really, really well. Think about how it made you feel. It’s interesting how, as you reminisce, you almost feel it viscerally. You can hear the birds singing, the sky opens up, and you see the sun. It’s an incredible reminder of bliss.

Now, I want you to think back to a time when a relationship went really, really poorly. Like, really bad. Do you remember what that felt like? Do you remember those times you cried so much you swore you were going to dehydrate and die right there, just from all the snot coming out of your nose? A bad relationship is like a bad trip to the dentist: it’s expensive, it’s exceedingly painful, and the memory stays with you long after you’ve left the chair. For those of you who have felt that pain, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

In our culture, dating has become a monster. It has its own language, its own vocabulary, and its own set of rules—and they aren’t clean at all. It’s often “dirty fighting.” You see two people spending time together and you ask him, “Hey, tell me about you and so-and-so.” He says, “Oh, no, we’re just friends.” You ask her, and she has a different definition: “Just friends? I thought we were ‘hanging out.’” I don’t even know what that means anymore, but apparently, it has levels. You find yourself doing awkward things like interviewing friends to find out what he thinks, or stalking her Facebook to see if she’s dropped a hint.

Our dating culture is built on a foundation of ambiguity. It’s an infrastructure of unclear, elusive language designed to get all the perks with none of the responsibilities. It’s a domino effect of building on the wrong foundation—usually external attraction.

The Cycle of the “Intimacy Junkie”

Attracting someone based on looks is fine for a season, until you see the way they chew their food or hear their specific laugh. Suddenly you’re thinking, “Whoa, I didn’t see that coming.” No offense if you’re a snorter, but when you see those things, you realize the “thin slice” judgment you made didn’t account for who they actually are. So, you break up.

You’d think we’d learn. You’d think we’d pay our “dumb tax,” be teachable, and do it differently next time. But instead, we see someone else attractive, make another snap judgment, and dive in with no thought of character or godliness. We become intimacy junkies. We just want to feel loved, feel the rush, and feel accepted.

The problem is that we dive into the deep end of the emotional pool too fast. We’re “just friends,” but we’re asking, “How many kids do you want?” and “Where do you want to be in ten years?” We have these emotional dump-fests, we start dropping the “I love you” bomb, and suddenly we are miles down the track. If there’s any spirituality at all, we start praying together constantly. And guess what follows emotional and spiritual intimacy? Physical intimacy.

We find ourselves crossing boundaries we never intended to cross. There’s shame and regret. We’re playing house, exploring things we have no business exploring, and we are totally enmeshed. Then, we break up. And like a dog returning to its vomit, we often do it all over again.

Proverbs 26:11 (NASB)

Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.

I wonder how much abuse we can take before we realize that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. By the time many couples get married, they have been emotionally married and divorced multiple times. This isn’t a casual breakup where you just want your Letterman jacket back; it’s “I want my life back.” And the sad thing is, sometimes you can’t get it back. Is there another way? It starts with one concept: clarity.

The Stamp of Approval

In Song of Solomon, we see a couple spending time together in a way that flies in the face of our culture. In chapter one, the woman wants to spend time with the man, but she makes it clear she won’t compromise her morality. In verse nine, he begins to speak to her.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:9]

Now guys, it’s poetry—don’t go home and call your girlfriend a horse. What he means is that among all the horses pulling Pharaoh’s chariots, there was one that was distinct, regal, and unique. He’s saying, “Of everyone else around, there’s something about you that stands out.” He affirms her beauty, and then something interesting happens in verse eleven: the “daughters of Jerusalem” chime in. This is a poetic device representing the community. They see the guy showing interest and the girl responding, and they give their stamp of approval.

It always fascinates me when someone with good friends starts dating someone and all the friends say, “What are you doing? Are you high? That person isn’t right for you.” Often, the person in the relationship blows off the community, but Proverbs has a warning for that.

Proverbs 18:1 (NASB)

He who separates himself seeks [his own] desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.

Ladies, if all your godly girlfriends are freaking out about a guy, you might want to listen. Don’t be the typical couple that disappears into a vacuum the moment you start dating. Stay in community. This couple in the text stayed in community.

The Safety of the Public Square

Notice where this couple spends their time: the king’s table, among the cedars, or at a banqueting hall. They are in public. They understand that emotional, spiritual, and physical connections are linked. You can’t have candlelight dinners and deep emotional sharing until the wee hours of the morning and expect the physical side to stay shallow. It will follow.

I do crisis counseling sometimes, and it’s always the same story: “We messed up physically.” I’ll ask how it happened. It’s always, “We were at his house, his parents were asleep, and one thing led to another.” It’s never, “We were at Starbucks, he finished his Frappuccino, and one thing led to another.” I’ve never heard a guy say, “I blew it—after I finished my Grand Slam at Denny’s, I just couldn’t stop making out with her.”

Why do we feel the need to inject intense romance and privacy into everything we do while dating? We sequester ourselves and then wonder why it crashes down. Think of the young man in Proverbs 7 who lacks sense. He’s out at night, near her house, in a dangerous part of town. It’s subtle until it’s fatal.

Proverbs 7:22 (NASB)

Suddenly he follows her As an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as [one in] fetters to the discipline of a fool,

When my wife and I were dating in Denton, Texas, we would put a blanket on the lawn of the county courthouse. People were driving by, friends were honking their horns—we were out in front of God and everybody. It wasn’t because I was holy; it was because I was aware of my weakness. I knew that five minutes alone with that woman, I could do things that would disqualify me from everything. I knew myself, so I kept us in public.

The Banner of Love

Because this man treats this woman with dignity and honor, her self-perception changes. In chapter one, she was self-conscious about her skin and her appearance. But look at what she says in chapter two.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:1]

She now calls herself a rose, something beautiful and fragrant. What changed? Her sunburn didn’t go away—He changed. He exalted her and cherished her. He became like an apple tree providing shade and fruit for her.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:4]

In a military procession, the banner represented your unit; it was the thing you rallied to. She says his banner over her is love. You can tell a lot about a guy by the countenance of his girl. When a woman walks into a room and her head is held high, you know her man is treating her right. When she walks in with her head down, not allowed to speak to anyone, you know it’s all about him.

Do Not Awaken Love Prematurely

Because he treats her so well, she responds viscerally. She wants him physically. In verse six, she describes an intimate embrace. Is it okay to want that? Yes, but the context is wrong. This man shows incredible leadership here.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:7]

He says, “These feelings are good, but it’s not the right time. Don’t wake this up yet.” Men, you need to understand: sexually, men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots. Guys are visual and quick—heat up, cool down. Women take longer to heat up, but once a crockpot is boiling, you can unplug it and it’s still going to stay hot for a long time.

If a man isn’t careful, he will push and prod until she heats up to the point where she’ll do things she swore she’d never do. Ladies, you must find a man who submits to God more than his passions. You want a guy who, in a moment of vulnerability, will say, “Not yet.” He should be like Joseph and just book it to his car.

2 Timothy 2:22 (NASB)

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love [and] peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

The Bible doesn’t tell you to “fight” youthful lust; it tells you to flee. You can’t win that fistfight. As Robert Lewis says: reject passivity, accept responsibility, and lead courageously.

The Fireplace and the Living Room

Why is the context of marriage so important? Tom Nelson gives a great illustration: If I light a fire in the middle of your living room floor, it might feel exciting for a second, but it will eventually burn your whole house down. But if you take that same wood and fire and put it in a fireplace, it warms the house. It’s designed for that.

The wood isn’t different. The fire isn’t different. The context is the difference. God built a “fireplace” for sex: one man and one woman for life. Premature intimacy hinders communication because instead of talking through a fight, you just make out. It gives a false illusion of health, and it follows the law of diminishing returns—you constantly need more to feel the same rush.

Practical Wisdom for Dating

Before we move to courtship, let me address four hot-button issues:

1. Extended Guy-Girl Friendships: You might think you’re “just friends,” but chemistry is real. Hang out in groups to keep things healthy.
2. Long-Term Dating: Dating for ten years is incredibly difficult. The longer you are together, the harder it is to keep those boundaries.
3. Contentment in Singleness: If you aren’t content with Christ as a single person, you have nothing healthy to offer a relationship. You’ll just be looking for a human to meet a need only Jesus can satisfy.
4. Finding vs. Becoming: Dating isn’t big-game hunting. Don’t just look for the right person; become the right person. Run toward Christ, and if someone is running at your pace and in your direction, wave them over.

Moving Toward Courtship

In chapter two, verse eight, the relationship becomes very intentional. It’s springtime—a season of life and health. If your relationship is a constant soap opera of brawls and fighting, that’s not God’s best for you.

As things deepen, the woman becomes vulnerable. She’s scared. She’s worried about the “bait and switch”—that the guy who is romantic now will become an oaf who just sits on the couch once they’re married. She asks him to “catch the foxes.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:15]

She’s asking, “Are you willing to work on the little things that could ruin us?” Fellas, it’s easier to be single. You can eat tuna out of a can and wear the same shirt for a week. But if you want the increase that comes with marriage, you have to be willing to do the work.

Proverbs 14:4 (NASB)

Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, But much revenue [comes] by the strength of the ox.

The Three Questions

If you are considering moving toward marriage, ask these three questions:

1. Are you ready? Can you lead? Can you say “not yet”? If not, stay in boot camp a while longer.
2. Have you watched them over time? Don’t rely on a “thin slice.” Abraham’s servant watched Rebekah at the well to see if her character matched her words. Watch how they handle tragedy and how they serve.
3. Is the relationship life-giving? Do they make you better? If staying together is a grueling act of will, maybe it’s not from God.

Steps for Intentional Courtship

Courtship requires intentionality. When I started having feelings for my wife, I went to a “relational coach,” a friend named Jason. He told me to take the initiative.

First, make a declaration. I told her, “I’d like to get to know you better in group settings.” It wasn’t needy; it was leading. Second, move to exclusivity. When the time was right, I told her I wanted to pursue her exclusively. But before I did, I talked to the spiritual authorities in her life to see if they saw any red flags.

Third, have a boundaries conversation. Don’t ask, “How far is too far?” Ask, “How godly can we be?” I personally decided not to kiss my wife until our wedding day. That was my choice because I knew my own weaknesses. When I told her, she was relieved because she had been praying for the same thing.

Fourth, there must be discovery. Tell the truth about your past and your baggage. You don’t need to share every graphic detail, but there should be no secrets. Ask: “Will sharing this detail actually benefit our marriage?”

Finally, if all systems are green, pursue marriage. I drove to Oklahoma, met her parents, got the thumbs up, and told her, “The next thing you hear from me will be an engagement.”

The Hope of the Gospel

Some of you are listening to this and feeling like an absolute idiot because you’ve already blown it. You’ve crossed lines and you feel the weight of shame.

Can I encourage you? That feeling is why we have a Savior. Christ makes all things new. He restores the years the locusts have eaten. He makes beauty from ashes.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, [he is] a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

If you’ve crossed boundaries, have a “second first time.” Repent and walk away from the old life. When I shared my past with my wife, she said, “I’m not concerned with where you’ve been, because I know who you are in Christ, and I know where you’re going.”

Hold out hope. It’s not how you start, but how you finish that matters.

Father, as we look at this issue, we recognize the pain and heartache involved. But we thank You for the hope we have in Christ. Help us to date, court, and marry for Your glory. Empower us by Your Spirit to walk in a new identity, regardless of our past. In Jesus’ name, Amen.