Dating: The Ancient Path to a Modern Relationship

The Ecosystem of Ambiguity

The reality is this: we could interview any one of you and ask what dating is like for you, and we would hear stories of incredible contrast. Dating relationships that go well are the highest of highs, and dating relationships that go bad are like train wrecks. It is just awful.

What is interesting about the modern dating scene is that it has its own ecosystem of ambiguity. Have you noticed that? You try to ask someone very simply, “Are you and so-and-so dating?” and they panic. They backpedal and drop a cloud of ambiguity. “Oh, no. We’re just hanging out. We’re just spending time together. We’re just talking. We’re just friends.”

We create this ecosystem, almost in a sense trying to get all the perks with none of the responsibilities. If we can drop enough vague titles to throw people off the track of what’s really going on, we think we can get everything we want out of a relationship without having to contribute much to it. That is the reality of our current dating context.

It all starts with attraction. If we are attracted to someone based solely on how they look on the outside, that is a recipe for disaster. Some of you have been on the receiving end of a “beautiful breakup”—someone you cared about because they were gorgeous, yet they broke your heart. Biblically speaking, we need to be attracted to people based on who they are on the inside—on a good name and on their character. If the health of a relationship were based on external beauty, then the best marriages on the planet should be in Hollywood. Yet even there, marriages are going down as quickly as anywhere else.

Our culture is obsessed with who is dating whom. You walk into the grocery store, look at the magazine racks, and it’s all, “So-and-so was seen in Paris with so-and-so.” Who cares? It is all based on the false premise that beauty on the outside is where happiness is found. True biblical attraction is character-based, not looks-based.

The Intimacy Scale

The problem is that because we attract for the wrong reasons, we begin to create unhealthy patterns and terrible habits. Think of a scale from one to ten: one being shallow and casual, ten being super intimate. In a relationship, we have three main elements: the emotional, the spiritual, and the physical. What we often do is slide all three toward “intimate” far too quickly.

Take the emotional side. We start having intimate conversations in a dating context about how many kids you want, your greatest fears, your deepest dreams, and every broken heart you’ve ever had. You’re listening to slow jams, you’re spending all your time together, and you’re moving toward total intimacy.

In the Christian world, we aren’t much smarter. We take the spiritual life and assume intimacy there must be good, too. So, in a dating context, you’re praying together and studying the Bible together and saying, “God, I thank you for this person.” You come to church and sit together, worshiping together. Half the time, I’m watching young dating couples caressing each other during the service, and I’m thinking, “Time out. If you’re doing that here, what are you doing at home?”

Spiritually, we slide that scale toward intimate. But because we’re Christians, we think the physical life should stay shallow. We assume these scales slide individually, but they are connected like links in a chain. You cannot be emotionally and spiritually intimate and assume the physical won’t follow naturally. They come together. We end up in an incredibly emotionally enmeshed place, and then reality sets in.

Typically, this happens very quickly. Suddenly you’re enmeshed with someone and you realize, “I don’t know if I actually like you. You chew your gum in an annoying way, your laugh terrifies me, and we don’t have anything in common.” So, what do we do? We break up.

The Cycle of Training for Divorce

You would think we’d learn our lesson. You’d think we’d say, “Attracting based on looks and sliding to intimacy didn’t work, so I’ll do it differently next time.” But we don’t. We see someone else who is attractive, we jump right back in, and like a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.

Proverbs 26:11 (NASB)

Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.

We jump into it again, sprint toward intimacy, cross moral boundaries, become enmeshed, and end the relationship again. The irony is that by the time most people in our culture stand on their wedding day to say their vows, they have been “married” and “divorced” multiple times emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

What God intended to be pure and holy, we give away so flippantly that we stand at the altar with the shrapnel of past divorces. These intimate relationships don’t end well. There is wounding and pain that you almost can’t fix. A good relationship breathes life into us, but an unhealthy one is catastrophic. Have you ever “ugly cried” yourself to sleep? Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.

What is this teaching us? If you attract based on looks, quickly commit, cross all boundaries, and then break up when the feeling changes, you are actually training yourself for divorce. You are preparing yourself for a future where commitment is temporary.

Think of your emotional, spiritual, and physical life like a rose. If you spend years offering that rose to person after person, and each one pulls off a petal, eventually what you have left is manhandled and torn. You have to decide what to do with what remains. You can keep giving yourself away, or you can say, “I wonder if there is a better way.” You can choose to guard your heart and learn the ancient paths.

Jeremiah 6:16 (NASB)

Thus says the LORD, ’Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk [in it].’

The Question of Initiative

In Song of Solomon chapter one, we see this couple dating. I want to look at the “good way” and see if we can do relationships differently. In verse seven, the woman initiates time with the man.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:7]

Now, don’t mistake this for what we call “initiative” today. This is a woman wanting to put herself in a position where godly men are. This brings up a common question: Is it okay for a girl to initiate with a guy?

In my pastoral opinion, the answer is no. Let me tell you why: it’s all about the pattern. We are living in a culture with a manhood crisis. We are raising boys who wear men’s clothing but are still boys on the inside. They don’t know how to be men yet. As men, we need to learn to reject passivity, accept responsibility, and lead courageously. But because many don’t know what manhood is, they go passive. They look for a “wife-mom” who will do everything for them.

Ladies, if you call him, he’ll never call you. If you initiate for him, you are teaching him that it is okay to stay passive. He needs to learn how to lead, how to take a risk, and how to pursue you. I know it’s terrifying for us guys, but we need to step up.

One of my heroes is Bill Nixon. I dated his daughter for a short season. I called their house back when home phones were a thing, and Bill answered. I said, “Hey Mr. Nixon, I’d love to talk to Casey.” He said, “She’s not here.” I said, “Could you have her call me?” He said, “Oh, Brad, my daughter doesn’t call boys.”

At the time, I thought that was lame. Now, I realize he was brilliant. He forced me to be a man. He forced me to take initiative and allowed his daughter to be pursued. He allowed her to guard her heart and forced me to step up. Ladies, allow yourself to be the prize. Force him to lead.

This woman in Song of Solomon isn’t initiating in an inappropriate way; she’s putting herself where godly men are. If you want to find a godly guy, you won’t find him at the club or a keg party. Go where the godly men are. When I met my wife, we were doing college ministry. She and her friends would show up to help us clean the coffee shop because she wanted to see who I was in a godly context.

Notice also what she won’t compromise on. In verse seven, she says, “Why should I be like one who veils herself?” In that culture, veiling yourself was a sign of prostitution. She’s saying, “I want to get to know you, but I’m keeping this on the up-and-up. I won’t be a shady woman.” She decides ahead of time what she will and won’t do. She won’t compromise her character.

Dating in Community and Public

In my home, my daughters aren’t allowed to date until they feel they are ready. When they are ready, they write me a letter explaining the type of guy they are looking for and what their boundaries are. I cover them until then. And no boy dates them until he spends time with me. Some might say that’s overkill, but if you’ve ever been in a bad relationship, wouldn’t you have wanted someone to step in and save you from that pain?

So, what is a date? A date is a noun—a one-time event in a public place that is not emotionally escalating. It’s two people enjoying each other’s company. We see this in verse eight.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:8-11]

There are two vital principles here. First, they date in community. The “daughters of Jerusalem” in verse 11 affirm the relationship. It is amazing how many people start dating and then become magicians—they disappear from their friends. But Proverbs warns against separating yourself.

Proverbs 18:1 (NASB)

He who separates himself seeks [his own] desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.

You want to date in community because your friends see the blind spots you miss in the euphoria of new love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Proverbs 27:6 (NASB)

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

Second, they date in public. We see them at the king’s table, on a picnic, and in a banquet hall.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:12-14]

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:4]

When couples come into my office crying because they “fell” physically, it’s almost always because they were in private—at an apartment alone or in a house while parents were asleep. I’ve never had a couple say, “Brad, we were at IHOP eating a Grand Slam and one thing led to another on the floor.” It doesn’t happen in public. If you put yourself in private, you’re already in danger because it will always feel “right” in the moment. Be wise. Date in public.

The Power of Affirmation

In verse 15, the man speaks with tenderness. He affirms her uniqueness, calling her a “mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.” He isn’t using romance to manipulate her; he is speaking with sincerity.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:15]

He sees her eyes—the gateway to the soul. He speaks life into her. Remember that in chapter one, this woman downplayed her beauty. She was self-conscious about her skin and her appearance.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:5-6]

But look at how she sees herself in chapter two. She says, “I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valleys.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:1-2]

She hasn’t changed physically; he has changed. He has spoken life into her. His presence lifts her up. He tells her she is a lily among thorns. He notices she is distinct from every other woman.

She reflects on his provision, saying she finds shade and sweet fruit in his presence. She looks at him and thinks, “I could do a long time with this guy.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:3-6]

You can tell a lot about a man by the countenance of the woman he is with. If she is secure, confident, and whole, it reflects his leadership. His banner over her is love.

The Fire and the Fireplace

In verse five and six, the woman expresses intense desire. She talks about “raisin cakes” and “apples,” which were known aphrodisiacs in that culture. She is “lovesick.” She wants him to embrace her.

Is it okay to feel that? Yes. But the context is everything. A man who is a “boy” will exploit that feeling. A man who is a man will respond like the man in verse seven.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:7]

He says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases.” In other words: good feelings, bad timing. Not yet.

Men are like microwaves; we spin up fast. Women are like crockpots; they take longer to get hot, but once they do, they can boil over. A “weak sauce” boy will say, “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, so you just tell me when to stop.” Then he pushes until she says stop. He does this because he knows eventually, she won’t say stop.

A real man protects the context. Think of desire like fire. If you light a fire on your couch, it’s exciting for a second, but it destroys your home. If you put that same fire in a fireplace, you can make s’mores. The fire isn’t evil; the context is what matters. Marriage is the fireplace designed to handle the heat.

Premarital sexuality causes four major problems: it atrophies communication (you use sex to avoid resolving conflict), it gives an illusion of health, it follows the law of diminishing returns (you always need “more” to feel the same spark), and it makes it harder to get out of a bad relationship because you feel “enmeshed.”

A Second First Time

If we are being honest, many of us are sitting in the charred remains of what was once our moral purity. You lit a couch fire, and it took something from you that you feel you can never get back. You feel the shame and regret, whether it happened yesterday or thirty years ago.

I want to encourage you: this is why we have a Savior. We have a Jesus who makes all things new. He can restore the years and create beauty from ashes.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, [he is] a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

He can give you the greatest gift: a “second first time.” Whatever rose you have left, however tattered, you can take it to God and say, “Not anymore. I’m going to preserve what I have for Your glory.” He can breathe life back into you.

Let’s change the way relationships are done. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Stop asking, “How far is too far?” That’s a stupid question. Start asking, “How godly can I be? How holy can I treat this person?”

Let’s create relationships that defy the madness of our culture and point to Christ. Let’s end the brokenness and show the world a redemptive, godly way to love. It is your life to lead. By the grace of God, let’s lead it differently.

Let’s pray.

Father in heaven, I am grateful that we have hope and a Redeemer who pursued us. May we be a people who find newness in Christ. May our purity be preserved for the spouse of our youth, and may we trust You to give us a renewing that comes only from You. Give us all we need in Christ to walk this new life. In Jesus’ name, amen.