Courtship / Song of Solomon 2:8-3:5

The Transition from Dating to Courtship

I don’t know what your experience was like as you walked down the road of attraction, dating, and whatever intentional process led you to marriage, but it can be incredible. And as we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, it can also be awful. What I’d like to do in this session together is dialogue a little bit about this issue that we might call courtship.

If you remember, as we go all the way back to the beginning, we made the argument that the nature of a relationship should be based on who we are on the inside. It should be about our character, not just external beauty. Last week, we watched this couple begin to spend time together, and they started to date. We pulled a couple of principles out of the text. First, this couple dated in community. When they began to spend time together, they didn’t disappear; they stayed engaged with those around them. Second, they dated in public. Because of that, the relationship was non-emotional, non-spiritual, and non-physical—meaning it wasn’t sliding toward intimacy. It was simply about the casual enjoyment of one another.

But we asked the question: What happens when a date becomes “dating” plural? When a date goes plural, the rules need to change because the game is changing. The responsibility is changing. In the beginning, the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects are on the shallow side, but over time, they begin to slide toward the intimate. As they move toward intimacy, the need for clarity grows.

A dating situation can be incredibly ambiguous and vague. But as you spend time together, time plus communication equals intimacy. You can’t avoid that. As you spend time one-on-one with someone, intimacy is a natural overflow. The greater the degree of intimacy, the more important clarity is in the relationship. Sometimes folks will say, “Yeah, but we’re just hanging out. We’re just friends.” You might think you’re friends, but I bet if you ask the other person, they might think otherwise. Often, a couple tries to “friend zone” the thing, but with intimacy creeping in, chemistry and feelings develop. God has wired us that way. When we spend time with someone, intimacy is a natural overflow.

So how do you bring clarity to the situation when a date becomes plural dating? I want to introduce you to the term “courtship.” Now, I was hanging out with our college students a few months ago and I asked, “When I say courtship, what comes to your mind?” They said, “The Duggars.” That is not necessarily what we have in mind!

Oftentimes, the term brings people back to the old school—horse and buggy, sewing your own clothes, an antiquated era. You might ask if it needs to be a thing in our day. Yes, the concept is old and a little dated, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Sometimes when we have a truth from the past that feels old-fashioned, we dismiss it. But I would suggest there is wisdom in rediscovering courtship. Courtship is a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship specifically with a view toward marriage.

A date is just for fun—order an appetizer, get a dessert, make him pay, no harm, no foul. But when you enter into courtship, the rules change. You’re moving with intentionality. It’s no longer just about the fun of the event; you’re beginning to dig into each other to see if this has the traction and chemistry to last a lifetime.

In Song of Solomon chapter two, there seems to be a break. Last week, she was excited about how this man was treating her, and he stepped up and spoke.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:7]

In a sense, he was affirming her good feelings but saying it wasn’t the right time yet. The right time is the context of the fidelity of marriage established over time. One side note: depending on your translation, it can be hard to tell who is speaking. The NASB shows verse seven as him speaking, while the NIV or ESV might show her. I land on it being him because of patterns. I look at God’s design for a relationship and the need for men to be spiritual leaders. They need to learn to be spiritual leaders even in a dating context.

Anticipation and Life-Giving Love

In verses eight and nine, there is a sense of anticipation. She is waiting for him to come.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:8-9]

Fellas, lest you want to get arrested, recognize this is poetry! This is one of those “don’t try this at home” things. You might think it’s romantic to go peeking through her windows, but you’re going to get locked up. What this verse is telling us is that they are going to spend time together, and she is looking out, waiting for him to arrive.

There’s a difference in how men and women approach this. For the guys, if he’s picking her up at six, it’s probably 5:15 and he’s still hanging out with his buddies. They say, “Dude, don’t you have a date?” and he says, “Oh, yeah, I should go.” He goes to his room, digs on the floor, gives the “sniff test” to a couple of pieces of clothing, and if it’s not too bad, he puts it on and says, “I’m good.” Some of you are clapping because you’ve done that!

Fellas, it’s not like that with her. If you’re picking her up at six, she started thinking about it at three. She’s laying out outfits and is probably on her seventh change of clothes by the time you arrive. “Do these jeans make me look fat? Should I wear the dress or the blouse?” She invites her roommates in, and they all talk about how gorgeous she is. And they’re waiting by the door. By the way, when you pull up, don’t you ever honk and expect her to come out. But when you pull up, they’re all whispering, “He’s here! Act normal!” That’s the anticipation we see here. In verse ten, he shows up and calls out to her.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:10-13]

Notice the life-giving nature of this relationship. It is fragrant, exciting, new, and refreshing. This relationship is literally making them better. There’s joy in how they feel when they spend time together. It’s interesting how many couples get into a relationship but fight all the time. They assume that’s normal. I want to call time out—that is not normal. If you’re fighting all the time now, you’re going to fight all the time forever. You might want to abandon ship before you stand and say “I do,” because once you say those words, there’s no back door.

Figure out right now: is this a life-giving relationship? If being around this person doesn’t make you better or bring you joy, walk away. The only thing worse than being single wishing you were married is being married wishing you were single. I’ve met folks who say, “The closer I get to God, the farther I feel from my partner.” I tell them to get out of my office and go break up! If the closer you get to God, the farther you feel from that person, it’s the wrong relationship. If you have the right guy and the right girl, and you’re both pursuing Jesus, you get closer to each other over time. That’s the point.

The point of courtship is to do life intentionally so that as you both walk with Jesus, you realize, “This is actually awesome. I want to spend four or five decades of awesome with this person.” My wife makes me better. In my weaknesses, she is strong. In her weaknesses, I am her strength. We are better together.

Catching the Little Foxes

As they spend time in this “springtime bliss,” the relationship deepens. This man has done “upper-division manhood.” He’s been kind, gracious, godly, and respectful. He has initiated, and she has responded. But in the midst of this, she begins to pull away. She almost seems to be hiding.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:14]

Notice how he speaks to her in her hiding. He is kind and gentle. He says, “I get that you feel vulnerable right now. I give you the freedom to feel how you need to feel. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” He doesn’t get prideful or defensive. He doesn’t demand to know what’s wrong with her. He waits because he recognizes her vulnerability. Why is she vulnerable? Look at verse 15.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:15]

In Scripture, vineyards are often surrounded by stone walls to keep things out. Foxes would come in and eat the blossoms, meaning the vineyard wouldn’t be as fruitful as it should be. She is asking him a very important question: “Are you willing to do the heavy lifting required to protect this relationship so it can be fruitful? I’m into you, but I’m afraid who you are now isn’t who you will be later.”

A woman’s greatest fear is that you are incredible in the dating context—romantic, charming, opening doors, bringing flowers—but then something happens to that guy once she says “I do.” It’s like you mount her head on the wall like a trophy and move on. You’re still passionate, but not for her. You’re hanging with the boys, drinking too much, playing too much golf, or obsessed with your career. Meanwhile, she’s at home changing diapers, picking up Cheerios, and wondering why every surface in her house is sticky. She realizes she’s stuck with a relational oaf—a man who duped her and then became a sluggard because he conquered and moved on. She is asking: “Are you willing to protect this for the long haul?”

The Responsibility of the Ox

Fellas, here is a verse you should memorize, but I don’t recommend quoting it to your girlfriend because she might not understand.

Proverbs 14:4 (NASB)

Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, But much revenue [comes] by the strength of the ox.

This means if you want a clean, simple, easy life—a life where cinder blocks are entertainment centers and that t-shirt from 1984 is still your favorite outfit—then stay single. If you want a life where the dirty cereal bowl stays in the sink for three months exactly where you left it, stay single. But you will miss the benefit of a wife.

If you invite a woman into your life, you’re going to have to “muck the barn” a little bit. You have to put in effort. You don’t “oops” your way into a good marriage. If you aren’t willing to do the work or show her preference as a fellow heir of the grace of life, do everyone a favor and stay single. When you’re single, you only have to focus on pleasing the Lord. When you get married, you have to please your wife.

1 Corinthians 7:33 (NASB)

but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,

We have a lot of guys who like the idea of a girl but not the responsibility. Brothers, the perks and the responsibilities are a package deal. You don’t get one without the other. She is asking: “Can you do this for decades?”

We don’t know exactly what he said in response, but we know she liked it.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:16-17]

When we take groups to Israel, people often ask where the “Mountains of Bether” are. They don’t exist. It’s a play on words from the Hebrew word bathar, which means to divide or cleave. She is essentially saying, “Turn, my beloved, and be like a stud on the twin peaks all night long.” This is the point where people ask, “Is this really in the Bible?” This is where the metaphor of it being only about Jesus and the Church gets a little difficult. This is a woman responding to godly initiative. She is vulnerable and she is coming on to him.

Then, in chapter three, she starts envisioning what she would do in this moment.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 3:1-4]

Ladies, do you remember when you first brought a boy home to meet your parents? You didn’t bring just some “Larry” you didn’t know; you brought the one you wanted them to know. That’s what’s happening here, but it goes to a level of intimacy where she says, “I want you to come with me into my mother’s room.”

Pumping the Brakes

In chapter two, when she was coming on to him, he responded by pumping the brakes. In chapter three, we see a rerun.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 3:5]

He shuts it down again. “Good feelings, but not yet.” A boy can’t quote this verse. A man without a good name cannot quote this verse. A man without a good name indulges. A man with a good name says, “Wow, I’ve gotta go.” He still hasn’t touched her, yet the relationship is deepening. It’s a picture of a relationship done well.

Five Practical Stages of Courtship

Let me give you some practical steps for courtship. These are for those who haven’t entered this season yet or those who have “boogered it up” in the past. There are three questions you must ask before you enter courtship:

1. Are you ready? Have you established a track record of godliness? If you’re still looking at porn as a hobby, that will be a wedge in your marriage. If your passions are unbridled, you aren’t ready. Don’t be like I was—a relational addict who needed three years of singleness and discipleship before I was strong enough to handle the woman God had for me.
2. Have you watched this person over time? Not like a stalker, but have you seen who they are? I worked with my wife for three years in ministry. I watched her lead girls to Christ, handle her money, and navigate tragedy. I watched her in silence to see if she was who she said she was.
3. Is the relationship life-giving? Do you share common values, hobbies, and desires? If you’re a city girl and he’s a country boy, someone is eventually going to have to change their shoes. You need commonality.

Once you’ve answered those, here are the five stages of courtship, led by the man:

First: The Declaration of Friendship. After a few dates, she needs to know what’s going on. Fellas, if you’re thinking something she doesn’t know yet, you aren’t leading. You say, “I want to spend more time with you and see how the Lord develops this friendship. Are you okay with that?” Then shut your mouth. Girls, you’re like a baseball pitcher. If you like the sign, throw the pitch. If not, shake it off. Fellas, if she shakes you off, don’t be a stalker. Walk away.

Second: The Declaration of Exclusivity. You ask if she’d be okay just seeing you. If she says yes, go talk to an authority in her life and yours. Ask them, “Am I mature enough for this? Do you see any disqualifiers?” You also need to decide on physical standards together. My wife and I decided not to kiss until our wedding day. We didn’t do that because we were holy; we did it because we were honest. We knew if we lit that fire, it could destroy us.

Third: Discovery. This is where you talk about where you’ve been. You share your moral and spiritual story. Be wise—they need to know the “stains,” but they don’t need every graphic detail. Ask: “Will the details of this story be helpful for our marriage?” No surprises. No shadows.

Fourth: Declaration of Intentions. This is moving toward marriage. You go to her parents and ask for their blessing to pursue her hand in marriage. I told my wife, “I’ve done my best to lead you. The next communication you hear from me will be an engagement. I won’t tell you when or how.”

Fifth: Engagement. This is intentional fine-tuning. It’s not for seeing if you’re a fit; you should already know that. It’s for planning the relationship, not just the wedding. Almost every couple is obsessed with the wedding—the flowers, the caterer, the dress. Honestly, nobody else cares! It’s a subpar meal at best. Nobody orders wedding cake at a restaurant. What people care about is a marriage that has legs to last a lifetime. Focus on your premarital counseling.

Maturity and the Foundation of Christ

Maturity, not age, makes you qualified to court. I’ve seen fifty-year-olds who are still boys and have no business courting. I’ve seen young guys with maturity beyond their years.

If you are going to invest energy into anything, do it here. This is the second most important decision you will ever make: following Jesus, and then choosing who you spend your life with. If you are waffling on Jesus, pump the brakes on a relationship. Without Christ, you will be a taker because you’re still trying to figure out your own life.

If Jesus is your everything, then your partner is a supplement to an already full life. But if He isn’t, you will ask that person to do for you what only God can do. That will wear them out and set you up for disaster.

We need to attract for character, date casually, and move to courtship with clarity. No games, no ambiguity. When a man leads with clarity, he changes the trajectory of the marriage because it’s built on the foundation of Christ.

Amen? Let’s pray.

Father in heaven, I thank you for another way—a way to honor you and reflect your image. God, would our lives be shaped by the Gospel to such an extent that we would die to ourselves and love others the way you’ve loved us? Whether we are dating, courting, engaged, or married, may we find ourselves serving the people you’ve put in our lives. Help the men to lead and the women to feel like the treasures they are. May we reflect the imagery of Jesus, our bridegroom, and us, the bride. In Jesus’ name, Amen.